Weekend Round-Up: Baseball Trade Deadline Update

We're about 100 games into this years' MLB season, which is usually a pretty good time of year to take stock of where everybody is at, whose gonna win each division, and some of the biggest surprises and disappointments of this year. With the trade deadline just passing, we're gonna go over what's going to happen in the season's final third of games.

AL East - New York Yankees - I'll admit, biased pick. To be honest, I have no way of determining what's going to happen in this race because everyone and their mom knows that it will come down to a few games at the end of the year, decided by one bad series by either team. The four game set in the Bronx next week will definitely be important, but whichever team comes up short will be my bet for the Wild Card. The Yanks and Sox have the second and third best records in the league, and I just don't see the Rays staging another miracle run this year, although they are playing solidly. One thing that I will say though-the Sox really bolstered their lineup by getting Victor Martinez. He'll split everyday time between first and third, letting Youkilis move across the diamond and giving the oft-injured Mike Lowell and generally sucky Jason Varitek days off when they are complaining of old men injuries. He's also a top tier power hitter, which kind of makes up for the fact that Big Papi is off the juice (kind of obvious). By the way, as Loop has already proved for me, I'm predicting way less fan outrage/fallout after this then happened when it was revealed that ARod was on roids. It's kind of funny but everyone was willing to look past the fact that Papi,

a player simply dumped by the Twins, became this huge power monster when he went to Boston. It's like everybody was so infatuated with his Shrek-esque smile and clutch hitting that they didn't realize that he wasn't actually supposed to be that good. But regardless, it makes me happy. The Sox two titles are tarnished and Papi is on pace to hit like 22 homers in his shriveled state. The Yankees lineup and stellar rotation, anchored by newfound hero Sergio Mitre, will suffice to grind out an AL East win. But seriously, expect the Yankees to make a waiver move and pick up another pitcher in the next few weeks. They'll continue to hit and win the East.

AL Central - Chicago White Sox - Getting Peavy is a really nice move for them. Obviously Detroit counters with getting Washburn, but Chicago is only a game and a half back in the Central and are in the midst of absolutely brutalizing the Yankees in a four game set. I've never been a huge fan of Jarrod Washburn, but Jake (the Jeweler, as I like to call him) is going to put their rotation over the top. Peavy, Buehrle, Danks, Gavin Floyd, and Contreras are a hell of a solid rotation, especially when you consider having to face those first three in a short series. On top of that, their lineup is shaping up well. Quentin is beginning to return to form, and Thome, Konerko, and Dye are all 30 homer guys. In addition they have young studs in the infield, including rookies Chris Getz and Gordan Beckham, both of whom are outside chances to win ROY. Although everybody hates AJ Pierzynski, in the end I see a Chi-Town surge to supplant the Tigers and distance themselves from the Twinkies, who I just don't think have the talent to hold on this year.

AL West - Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - Texas is making an impressive run right now, but LAA will end up, like they always do, closing out this division in a cold, heartless fashion. As a Yankees fan, I know how demeaning and harsh a loss to the Angels can be, as they continually barrage you with a series of semi-well-known Hispanic players and some new reliever they've just called up and no one can hit. Here's something to note about the Angels though: they have a four game lead right now without Torii Hunter and Vlad in the lineup. When they both come back in early August, their lineup is going to be absolutely terrifying. Hunter, Vlad, Abreu, and Figgins are enough to make you shit your pants, but factor then factor in Juan Rivera and Kendry Morales. I told you, it's like the Angels just pull these guys out of thin air. Juan Rivera used to play for the Yankees, he was some token fifth outfielder that you could tell was solid but nothing special. Then he goes to LAA, reunites with his Hispanic brethren, and is on pace to hit .300 belt 30 and drive in 100. It's not right. But they will win the West, and if they play the Yankees in the first round I may or may not start to sob uncontrollably.

AL Wild Card - Boston Red Sox - yeah so we've basically discussed this already, but the Sox will surely secure the WC spot if they don't finish ahead of the Yanks and vice-versa. One more thing I want to say about Yanks/Sox deadline moves though. By getting Jerry Hairston, Jr., the Yankees only confirmed how desperate they are to make deals. It really is the one thing I can't take about them. They love having pieces they can move and play around with just to say "oh, well we could have this lineup if we wanted to." The trade deadline for them is basically akin to somebody shopping at a store like Brookstone or the Sharper Image, filled with things that nobody needs but I guess might be "cool" to have. When a normal team walks by that $45 picture frame that also is an Altoids dispenser, they think "yeah, that's sort of cool, but there's no way I'd ever need it", but the Yankees think "yeah sure just throw it in the bag we'll find a place for it." It's honestly retarded. Right now Johnny Damon, Brett Gardener, Nick Swisher, Melky Cabrera, Shelly Duncan, Hairston, and Eric Hinske are all outfielders on the roster vying for playing time. Yesterday, Girardi

DHed Teixiera so Cody Ransom could play first and Hairston could start in the outfield. I wanted to kill somebody. On a separate note, I truly believe that Cody Ransom is the single worst player in the entire major leagues. Seriously, the absolute worst. But still, Joe finds a way to play him a couple times a week. No idea why, but they find a way to work them into the lineup. Sorry for the Yankees rant in the Red Sox column, but yeah.

NL East - Philadelphia Phillies - the Phils are like Hansel. So hot right now. Not only are they crushing the rest of the East by six games over the Marlins, but everything they touch seemingly turns to gold. Nobody thought Raul Ibanez was supposed to be good...but boom. He's got 26 homers thus far. Everybody thought Cliff Lee was a fluke, but then he goes and hurls a 4 hit, complete game gem in his first game as a Phil. They're doing something right over there, and I don't think anyone in the East has enough firepower to catch up to these guys. Something that is really scary is that Ibanez, Howard, Utley, and Jason Werth all have at least 22 home runs. If I do a little math...yeah, they might all end up with 35 bombs each. It's kind of sickening to have that much power on one team, four legitimate 35 homer guys. But yeah, Philadelphia has it, along with Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee. If just one of their other starters (Blanton, Father Time, Brett Myers) can pitch decently they have a hell of a three man rotation for the playoffs. What I love the most about the Phils right now is their move to pick up Pedro. How awesome would it be if Pedro came back strong, won a couple of big games down the stretch for them (not like it would matter) and was a factor in the playoffs as Phila crushed the rest of the NL en route to another WS? It would leave me smiling and Omar Minaya speechless. On top of everything, Philly managed to acquire Lee without giving up prized youngster J.A. Happ. Also, Cole Hamels wife is hot.

NL Central - St. Louis Cardinals - in the name of Pujols, we pray.... Seriously, aside from thefact that I'm suggesting everybody join the Albert Pujols Club as shown in that link, the Cards are going to be a force to reckon with down the stretch and a legitimate title contender. The Cubbies have been playing well of late and have narrowed the gap in the Central, but the I remembered that they are cursed and will inevitably find a way to choke the season away as the typically due. Besides, as Confucius said, "Any team that has Milton Bradley on it will be doomed to a worthless existence". With the addition of Matt Holliday, Pujols finally has some legitimate protection in the lineup, which means that Ryan Ludwig and youngster Colby Rasmus can finally safely hide in Albert's large shadow as pitchers are forced to content with the beast that is Pujols. The Cards also have a very surprisingly good staff. Chris Carpenter apparently thinks that it's 2005 again, Adam Wainwright has 12 wins, and Joel Pinero has a 2.84 ERA. On top of everything their closer Ryan Franklin has a beard and a half; a surefire sign of a good closer when things get tight down the stretch.

NL West - Los Angeles Dodgers - for a team with very little power comparative to other titans of the league, it's pretty impressive that LA has such a cushy 7 game lead in the West. I've thought about the Dodgers a lot, and wondered why even though they are playing so well, are a pretty fresh franchise with a nice logo in a great city, how they are such a boring team? They have Manny, a famous manager, enough money and talent to be competitive, so why are they so lame? I've figured it out. It's because their three core players (Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, and James Loney) are the same person. Not actually, but in the mind of the common fan, they are exactly the same. Just bare with me here. They all are young players who have sketchily similar strange names. That is I feel like you could re-arrange all of their first and last names and create players who you would have no trouble believing actually played for the Dodgers. Example:

Fan 1: Hey the Dodgers are playing pretty well this year.

Fan 2: Yeah that's because that guy Andre Kemp, hitting about .300, decent power, drives in some runs.

Fan 1: Oh yeah, that guy. They also have that James Ethier guy right? He's got about 60 RBIs right?

Fan 3: Exactly. Don't forget about Matt Loney though, hitting about .280, about 14 homers...

I'm pretty confident that if you ask any casual observer of the Dodgers they would agree with you. Same guys, same numbers ranging from very solid to great, and same generic baseball sounding names. Makes for a team that's hard to remember, but also playing pretty well. They'll cruise to win the West. One more thing though I'd like to point out about the NL West this year: great pitching. This is a sketchy fact, but as of today the number one and three ranked players in Yahoo Fantasy baseball are Dan Haren and Tim Lincecum. That's to say they are as valuable if not more to their teams than Albert Pujols. Chad Billingsley, Brandon Webb, and Matt Cain (ERA leader) are all in the division too. And Jake Peavy just left. Good pitching in the NL West. Sorry one more thing. Surprise of the year in the MLB is Mark Reynolds (3B, Arizona). He is the fifth ranked player in fantasy. Check out those numbers.

NL Wild Card - San Francisco Giants - yes, I went there. No to the Rockies, no to the cursed Cubs, yes to the perennial cellar dwellers from the city of Man Love. The Giants pitching staff is good enough to send a team of little leaguers up there to scrape out a run for Lincecum, Cain, and Sanchez. Maybe Freddy Sanchez and Ryan Garko will help them accumulate what little offense they need to win down the stretch, but I believe they can do it. Their pitching is tremendous, but they also have some bright spots on O that should be enough to allow them to hang in. Pablo Sandoval is probably the ROY in the NL, and players like Bengie Molina, Garko, Edgar Renteria, John Bowker, and Aaron Roward are just solid enough to give them the 1.1 runs per game average they need to be a potential playoff team. I'll admit it's going out on a limb, but why not? Maybe the Giants will get Barry to comeback for a down-the-stretch surge....

Where's the Magic?

BUREY - I have a certain belief about sports. Call it a blend of a distinct naivety, youthful innocence, and unbridled optimism, but I believe that there are, at times, greater forces at work in sport. Maybe I got this from learning to be a Yankees fan in the late 90's. The legends, the 1998 record, the "mystique" of the post 9/11 walk-off wins in the 2001 World Series. Everything seemingly came together at the right times when they should have and I was happy. It wasn't just the Yankees, though. And it wasn't just baseball. I believed that there were sports gods. There were certain things that just had to happen in sport.

US basketball is the dream team. We invented the game, we should win it every year. Yeah, we call the NBA finals the World Championship, and we should right? Cause were the best. There's no way we could ever not win gold at the Olympics. But that's what happened in 2004.

The Red Sox just didn't win the World Series. There was the curse. They don't win. How else could you explain this? Or this? Or this? But then they won, and they won again. And now it's nearly a decade after the Subway Series and I'm starting to wonder if the curse is reversed...

I learned how Tiger was supposed to win every major, and if it wasn't every one it'd be ever other. He was expected to make that putt. He was never, ever supposed to miss the cut.

Are the sports gods that I once thought existed gone? They clearly have left the Yankees. More money, more mercenaries, and less mystique has been the trend of the new millennium. They've left baseball too. Cheating, steroids. McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, A-Rod, Manny, Palmeiro, Clemens, Guillermo Mota...all once thought to be magical players now just outcasts with tarnished reputations. The skepticism surely started with baseball, and now it's spreading to the rest of what I once thought was pure.

I started thinking more about it after reading Loop's thoughts on Watson. It led me to pondering Rocco's heartbreaking loss to Tiger at Torrey Pines. It was almost too unfair. Every person with half a heart was pulling with all their will for an underdog, storybook win, and we just couldn't get it. Instead, Tiger triumphed (couldn't hate that much) and a doofy looking baldy comes out on top. It just wasn't how it was supposed to work.

Two more recent sports stories prompt me to ask: where's the magic?

One is the Tour de France. Lance just wins the Tour de France. Every year. Hasn't it been like 38 in a row or something like that? And then he stopped to give other people a chance? Right? It was the kind of thing that casual fans like me used to bank on so we could seem like we're authorities on cycling. Oh yeah, Lance'll win it again this year. For sure. He's got great...stamina. What a guy. You know he had cancer right? Incredible.

And now, Lance is seemingly throwing in the white flag. Essentially, he's conceding that Astana teammate Alberto Contador has the best chance at winning the race, and he will put all of his efforts to helping his team secure the title. This came as a surprise to me for two reasons. One, Lance isn't winning the Tour. Two, cycling is a team sport. And although Lance has been known to try and act like he's down and out to lull his opponents (or teammates, whatever) to sleep before making a surprise push in the final stages, it's kind of a shock to see such a heroic and proud figure make an admission of defeat. That's actually kind of a downside to Lance (sorry Loop). While he is such an inspiration of hope and determination, he really doesn't have the "can do" attitude in interviews that exude optimism and a never-say-die mantra. It really does feel like he's reluctantly citing his age and other factors for not being able to win, almost grudgingly admitting he'll race for the team's sake. Either way, just not the magical Armstrong stuff we're used to. I'm telling you, the magic is gone.

Secondly, and I'm not going to delve into how much this actually bothers me, but Brett's planned return to the League is really tarnishing what should be looked at as one of the greatest and purest football careers of all time. Alright Brett, I'm glad Brad likes the way you throw, but please don't come back. When he wanted to play for the Jets, I was willing to accept the "hey, he's not doing it for the money, he just loves the game" reasoning to make myself feel better about the fact that he's ruined his lifelong Packer image. Also, I loved yelling Brett the Jet and Jet Favre whenever Pinno was playing me in Madden. But now, he's really crossing the line. Coming back to the NFC North to play two games against the team that gave him his aura and his greatness? I just can't stomach it. It's exactly what I'm talking about, as if the sports gods don't care about legacies, mystique, or magic anymore. Brett Favre? a Viking? In the name of all that is good and pure, please make it stop.

Sports gods, you've ruined baseball, taken my Yankees, given life to the Sox, made basketball a second tier sport in the US, made Tiger mortal, broken the heart of every golf fan twice, made Lance look like a heartless whiner, and now your forcing thousands of Green Bay residents to burn their number 4 jerseys. Please, here my plea. Let us feel the magic of sport again.

Is there anyone up there? Anyone?

Weekend Round-Up: Heartbreak, Halos, and the Hamptons

BUREY - Apologies for the hiatus. This weekend I took a somewhat undeserved couple of days off to be glamorous in the Hamptons, while I missed a weekend in sports that only served to pain me as the Yanks continued to be dominated by the Halos, losing three straight as the Sox fattened their AL East lead up to 3 against Kansas City. The story of the weekend against the formerly known as California moved to Anaheim and named to represent the people of greater Los Angeles County Angels just brutalized Yankee pitching, roughing up Andy, Joba, and even fat CC. That's not to mention the damage they did to the bullpen, but what do you expect when we have to roll the dice and trot Brett Tomko out there to keep us in the game? Alas, lady luck is a fickle mistress...

So basically I took a few days off to distance myself from the hapless Yanks (who managed to fuck up not one, but two bases loaded, no-outs late-inning situations on Sunday) and what I thought was all that is pure, wholesome, and truly American: Little League baseball.

On Friday night a friend and I battled rush hour traffic to get to New Canaan and watch the Greenwich 12 year old All-Star team take on New Canaan in the finals of the District 1 Championship. With my little brother suiting up for the Greenwich side my allegiances clearly lay with the visitors, but I wasn't terribly caught up in the nerves and emotion of the gut-wrenching game. The stakes were high: a Greenwich loss meant the end of their All-Star season in their last year of Little League.

Anyway, fast forward to the top of the sixth inning. After several controversial calls (one being a out call at home where the New Canaan catcher dropped the ball on a tag and another being a ground rule double by New Canaan that went under the fence, called a home run by the field umpire and later reversed), Greenwich trailed 3-2 and was down to their last two outs. The Greenwich second basemen (after making a run-saving diving play in the bottom of the fifth) lofts a high fly ball that carries towards the fence. The New Canaan CF backs up to the track, reaches over, but can only watch as the game-tier drops on the other side of the orange tarp. The Greenwich bench explodes, parents are cheering wildly on the sidelines, and the entire New Canaan side is silenced. The emotionally charged Greenwich hero jumps in joy around the bases as his teammates await him at the plate. After the late inning heroics tension is still high, the fans are ready for more baseball and everything seems right with the world. And that's when the people at Sax Middle School witnessed one of the most pathetic things ever seen on a baseball diamond in the history of our coveted game.

After the play, the New Canaan head coach instructs his pitcher to throw to second and appeal if the runner touched the base. He throws over to the shortstop and in one of the most surreal moments I've ever witnessed the field umpire raises his hand to signal "out". What happened next can only be described as sheer madness.

Greenwich parents, fans, and players alike erupt in disbelief. The coaches sprint on to the field, the players press up against the fence and raise their hand in disbelief. Both Greenwich and New Canaan Little League baseball commissioners run on to the diamond as well to discuss the controversy. Meanwhile, the New Canaan first base coach pumps his fist in celebration as his kids celebrate their apparent great skill and excellence as a team. I don't believe anybody could think clearly at that point. The umpire who made the call (who looked something like a cross between this guy and Gonzo from the Muppets) tried to defend his call as the Greenwich hero is simply devastated on the bench. While the men on the field discuss the controversy parents scream to pull the Greenwich team off the field to protest the game (and what was truly a series of unthinkably bad calls in favor of New Canaan). One particularly perturbed parent (who I may or may not be related to) yells "LET THE KIDS PLAY!!!!" and storms off to the parking lot, lawn chair in hand, to let his emotions cool and avoid the possibility of getting arrested. Somewhere in the chaos the game continues (there is no way to overturn the call) and the deflated next batter for Greenwich strikes out. People are still yelling and protesting the call as the New Canaan teams somehow feels like they deserve to dog pile on the field. The umpires try to discreetly leave the scene. I somehow find myself in their faces telling them how pathetic they are, and Gonzo tells somebody to call the police. My friend (visiting from Phoenix, AZ) insists that he throw a haymaker and start a brawl, and is quickly told by a doofy looking Asian parent (who looks like a 6' 4" version of this guy) to "respect the umpires". Ok buddy...

I've truly never seen anything like it. It was disgusting, pathetic, and despicable. What was especially revolting was the way the New Canaan coach (and some players, too) reveled in the victory. A few respectable New Canaan parents came over to apologize, however, and the protests continued as the commissioners tried to figure out if there would be a way to appeal the game or do anything so it wouldn't have to end with such a bogus call.

The situation was eerily similar to this Rick Reilly article about a collegiate softball game. Not only was the coach for New Canaan the same kind of scumbag who would feel good about winning a game in that way, but the umpire made the situation even more revolting. After the New Canaan player who got his double turned into a homer then turned back into a double was sent back to the base, he gave a high five to him... The coincidences seemed to strong not to at least hint at some kind of fixing, but it couldn't be, I mean it's Little League right?

In that situation, it is entirely inexcusable to make a call like that. In such a high-stakes, high-pressure scenario with 12-year old kids, you have to be 300% sure the kid missed the bag to call that. Absolutely dead certain. Every person on the field saw the Greenwich player practically jump on the bag as he rounded the bases, and what's even more suspicious is that after the game, the New Canaan shortstop (who happens to be the son of the d-bag coach) admitted to the heartbroken Greenwich player that he saw him touch the bag. Well, at least it looks like that the apple might have fallen a safe distance from the tree in this case. I have no idea what could have prompted the guy to make this call. At this point there is no way the kid blatantly missed the bag, at the very worst it was unbelievably close, and there is no possibility that the asshole umpire could have made the call nearly 100 feet away (he was standing behind first base). Either way, that's just not what Little League baseball is supposed to be. Maybe it was a life time of underachievement as a human being that made him feel spiteful enough to break a whole team of 12 year olds' hearts. Maybe it was the fact that he's like 60 years old and still a Little League umpire. Maybe it's because he is the retarded child of a Muppet and the guy from Home Alone. It's probably because he was running late to his d-bags anonymous meeting, but we'll never know. The Greenwich kids can take comfort in the fact that by just simply making the 12 year old All Star team they have accomplished more than this umpire has in his entire life, and that they will have plenty more victorious moments in their lives as he probably returns to his shit-hole house every night, jerks off the New Canaan coach, watches some gay porn, and cries himself to sleep.

The only thing I wanted to do after the game is drown my sorrows in alcohol, I was that crushed. I felt bad for the kids, but I felt worse that they were too young to hit the bottle and forget about the game. While the moms brought out some pretty good looking cup cakes to "celebrate" the season, I just had to get out of there. My friend and I rushed home, picked up a 30 of High Life, and jetted off to Southhampton to forget about sports in general for a few days. But alas, 3 nights, a ton of sun, fresh beach, and a good amount of booze later, I'm still thinking about it.

Keep your heads up Greenwich kids.

All-Stars and All-Scrubs (National League)

BUREY - Yesterday's installment was an analysis of the AL squad. Today, we examine the NL's finest, although they have no chance of winning and are 0-11-1 in the past 12 contests. Even if the NL actually did have a better team, I still think the universe will find a way to put this one in the AL's hands (i.e. Dan Uggla last year). Respect to Pujols, but everybody knows the NL is more or less AAAA ball.

C - Yadier Molina, Cards - Picking a starting catcher for the NL team is like trying to find something you like about reputed d-bag Spencer Pratt. Rookie Pablo Sandoval is the obvious statistical choice to start, with Brian McCann getting honorable mention, but I guess Yadier gets it for his defense. He must play some really good D though if he's starting this game; of all catchers in majors, Yadier is statistically not even top 10. In fact, I'd say big bro Bengie is actually having a better year.

1B - Albert Pujols, Cards - I read an article in SI yesterday about Pujols that was co-written by well-known sabermatrician and stat junkie Bill James. The point of the article was basically that no one in the history of baseball had ever gotten off to a better start to his career than Pujols. That is no one, ever, has ever started, or even had, nine straight years as good as Pujols. That's in the history of baseball. James was throwing around names like Ruth, Cobb, Gherig, Aaron...none of those guys were able to come in and be such immediate successes as Pujols is. James made a point to say that if Albert repeated his worst season 11 times (.327, 32, 103) he would be a sure-fire Hall of Famer (yes, that actually is his worst season). He has never hit fewer than 32 home runs, ever driven in less than 103, or ever hit lower than .314. This season, he is leading the NL in HR, RBI, OBP, OPS, total bases, slugging percentage, and is 1o points behind the leader in average. He's also swiped 10 bags. Maybe he really is a robot/machine.

2B - Chase Utley, Phillies - the best offensive second basemen in the league. He makes his counterpart Pedroia look like a cockboy (oh wait, he definitely is...), but he's got some pretty greasy flow during games. That said, I won't let it affect my review of him. Deserving starter, and I love these quirky out-takes of his EAS commercial. Not even Matt Hassleback can ruin this for me.

3B - David Wright, Mets - playing at Citi Field is really getting to David Wright. It seems like no one can go yard there, so what does he do when the going gets tough? Transforms his game into a scrappy average hitter. At one point D-Wright was leading the league in average but now he's dropped down to .325, hard to blame in for playing on a team where due to injuries Fernando Tatis is playing first and is his protection in the lineup. He's even playing the part by stealing 20 bases. While Mark Reynolds would be a deserving replacement (what a fantasy pickup by me), it's hard to hate on Wright for sticking it out while the rest of the Mets flail around him and the stadium architects try to ruin his career. Always room for one more in the Bronx Dave... Click here for obligatory picture of Wright with his hot girlfriend.

SS - Hanley Ramirez, Marlins - amidst rumors that Hanley might not play to give his hip some time off (the Fish are only two games back in the East and Ramirez is selflessly trying to keep himself healthy), HanRam deserves a lock on this spot. Though I can't justify taking Hanley number one in fantasy over Albert (still killing myself about that one), he is most definitely the best option in the league (with Reyes out). Hitting third has resulted in a slight decrease in SB (12) but he's hitting for a little more power of late. He'll have a 30-30 season, drive in 100 and bat around .340. Pretty legit stuff. And he looks like a baller too.

OF - Ryan Braun, Brewers, Carlos Beltran, Mets, Raul Ibanez, Phillies - Two things you didn't know about Ryan Braun: 1) He's Jewish and 2) His mom is also a brewer; she works as one for Anheuser-Busch. Combine those two nuggets with the fact that he's on pace for .320, 30+ and 100+ and he's a shoe-in starter. Beltran was well on his way to having a monster year but he was slowed by a DL stint, but Puerto Rican born + playing for the Mets = automatic starting job in the All-Star game. Raul Ibanez is a nice story. No one foresaw the huge numbers he is putting up for the Phillies this year (.312, 22, 59), and keep in mind he has been on the DL and will return shortly before the game. Overall it's impressive, especially when you factor in that he's 37 years old and hasn't ever had this kind of production. No, you're not the first one to call for a drug test, but Ibanez has earned a lot of respect in my eyes by stating that if he ever failed one he'd give back every penny he's ever made from the game of baseball, which begs the question: to who?

SP - Tim Lincecum, Giants - very, very close second is Dan Haren, but the nod goes to the little guy from San Francisco. By the way, I'd like to mention at this point that I have both Dan Haren and Chad Billingsley (third choice to start) on my fantasy team (I'm the next Funston). Anyway, little Tim is leading a surprising Giants staff (and team), striking out more than 20 batters more than innings pitched, hovering around 2 in ERA, and taking a page out of the Big Unit's mid-nineties style guide for flow. In fact, is it too early to deem this unlikely duo the new bash brothers? This MLB 2K9 commercial certainly provides support...

RP - Ryan Franklin, Cards - while K-Rod will probably trot out in the extremely unlikely case that the NL has a late game lead, the hometown closer deserves to get the call. He's got a sub-1 ERA and WHIP (.83) and has only failed to convert one time on the year. Again, it's not really practical discussing who the NL's closer should be, but if I were Charlie Manuel I would bring in Franklin to try and nail it down. Besides, K-Rod can't even get Mariano Rivera out...

That's it and be sure to tune in to this year's Midsummer Classic from St. Louis. Go Yankees (err...AL); I'm seeing a 6-3 win.

Pinstripe Women

Playing for the Yankees has its obvious benefits, one of the most obvious ones being your immediate increase of sex appeal to the ladies.

While A-Rod would clearly much rather be doing this than Kate Hudson, most other Yankees players put their fame and status to excellent use.

We've all heard about Derek Jeter's expoits (it's actually sickening), but many of the other Bombers are pulling in some nice ace as well.

DJ has also been linked to Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly of late.

The new acquisitions are just what you expect. Burnett's wife looks like a skank and C.C.'s wife looks like she's fun and loving just like the big poppa CC is.

But that begs the question: what are you doing Tex?

I love Jorge to death, but for a guy who looks half-tortoise and half-human his wife is also pretty damn fine. Laura Posada, by the way, is now subject of a new show on E! about baseball wives.

Melky hangs with the likes of porn star and former candidate for governor of California Marey Carey, while even ex-Yank Giambi had a decent looking wife. Speaking of Giambi, it just doesn't get any better than this.

Damon's new wife is also semi-attractive, considering he might be the most awkward guy ever.

What really says something are the exploits of the two Yankee young guns, Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain. Joba's girlfriend is definitely looking good, while it just gets me pumped to see these guys hanging out.

By the way, for funny updates and random news stuff about athletes I definitely recommend checking out terezowens.com.

All-Stars and All-Scrubs (American League)

BUREY - The final rosters for the MLB All-Star teams were announced last week, and so consequently its necessary that I go through each lineup and berate or agree with the fans’ selection for each squad. Today’s analysis will examine the AL, whose sole mission is winning home field advantage for the Yankees in the World Series this October.

Because I am an egalitarian, enthusiastic, and unbiased fan of the game, I maxed out my voting capabilities in the first week by selecting every Yankees starter at every position, which is, undoubtedly the lineup with the best chance to beat any team on any given day (of any possible combination of players in the majors). However, although only three players in pinstripes were selected this year (a pathetically low number), I still respect the rest of the AL’s squad as elected by the voters. They didn’t, with a few glaring exceptions, do that shitty of a job this year. I think home field for the Yankees is in good hands.

C – Joe Mauer, Twins – quite simply, Mauer is a man’s man. He’s a hometown boy, loyal, damn good looking, plays great D, and happens to be batting pretty close to .400 (.384). No catcher in the bigs come close to matching his all around numbers (14 HR, 45 RBIs). And if anyone read the SI article on him the other day you’ll respect how he left last year’s All-Star weekend early to go back to his self-made log cabin outside of Minneapolis (that has a bowling alley and a batting cage, by the way).

1B – Mark Teixiera, Yanks – Yes. Big fuckin’ Tex. A true class act at first base and the definition of an All-Star (even though this is his first selection). He’s worth every penny the Yanks paid for him. He plays great D, bats third and comes up with big hits in big spots. Classic middle of the order guy. I would love to see him get his 21st homer (he’s been on 20 forever), but I think everyone can respect how he hit a broken bat bomb at Yankee, which begs the question: jet stream or hairy chest?

2B – Dustin Pedroia, Sox – Yeah, not really. Like we get it, you won the MVP. But seriously you are 5’ 1” and are clearly compensating for having the smallest penis in the league. I could berate Pedroia all day about his general cockboy-ness, but the numbers don’t lie. He doesn’t deserve to start this game. He’s batting .290 with 3 homers, 37 RBI and 14 SB. Those numbies don’t even make him a top 5 2B. If we look at, oh let’s say, Robinson Cano (.305, 13, 45, 4) we can clearly see how he is just not having a great year. Figgins, Aaron Hill, Brian Roberts, and Ian Kinsler are all playing better than him. Unfortunately, apparently its the “chill” thing to like the Sox these days so I bet every prep school attending, Marthas Vinyard going, DMB listening, wanna be alternative bro tried to show their allegiance to this “scrappy underdog” by voting for all Sox. God I hate Boston.

3B – Evan Longoria, Rays – Longoria is kinda a beast. Although we all know A-Rod would be starting if he hadn’t gotten injured, Longoria is the real deal. Not only that, but his chin strap Italiano beard look just embodies all that a Tampa Bay Ray should be. Dude probably runs every Tampa area strip club. He’s a franchise player. I’ll put out on over under of 3 years before he’s playing some other infield position for the Yankees.

SS – Derek Jeter, Yanks – And finally, all of earth's creatures can live together in perfect harmony. The AL should simply reserve the spot for Jeter for the rest of his career, kind of like the Yankees plan to play without a shortstop after he r*****s (don’t say the r-word about Derek). He has the best numbers of all AL SS, batting .313 with a surprising 10 HR, 35 RBI and 17 SB. More importantly, he is the league leader is total votes, mystique, intangibles, good-looks, bi-racialness, and bitches slayed. Look up all-around stud in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of Derek. I’d let Derek date my mom. If I had a sister, I’d be cool with him fucking her brains out (I’d probably listen by the door). I plan to cry the day he r*****s. And he’s having a great year. Seriously argue with me, seriously.

OF – Jason Bay, Sox, Ichiro, Mariners, Josh Hamilton, Rangers – I was about to throw the hammer down on Jason Bay, but then I realized that 71 is a shitload of RBIs, and the dude has 21 bombs. As much as I hate to admit it, the Sox lucked out on this guy. He’s made Boston fans forget about Manny faster than people forgot that Blessed Union of Souls has more songs than “She Likes Me for Me” (do they?). Ichiro is no surprise. Just like always, the Emperor of Japan issued his annual edict demanding every citizen to vote for him 25 times at the risk of doing dishonor unto their families. That should have made his total 3,182,210,400 votes, but I think some people held off this year. Looks like there might be some seppuku going on. Ok, as for Josh Hamilton, I really have no explanation. This is a great travesty. I was at the home run derby last year, and yes, it was cool to see Hamilton put balls through the UTZ chips sign in right but a lot of people forget that after that round, his year took an immediate plunge. He LOST the HR derby, finished with 32 homers and 130 RBIs (I’m pretty sure he was on pace for 89 and 210), and barely batted .300. This year, he’s played 37 games and is hitting .263 with 6 homers and 24 RBIs. Just to compare my boy Gay-Rod is hitting .246 with 14 homers and 44 RBIs in only 40 more at bats (interesting fact: A-Rod’s middle name is Emmanuel). The point is, fans are meatheads and Hamilton has no business starting (or playing) in the years’ game. Has anyone heard of Carl Crawford?

I really don’t feel like talking about all the pitchers, so I’m just gonna comment on who should be the starter and main reliever for each team.

SP – Zach Greinke, Royals – 10 wins playing for the Royals, an ERA of 2, WHIP of 1.05 and 120 k’s in 121.1 innings. We’ve learned two things about Zach Greinke this year: 1) He’s a really good pitcher and 2) He’s a psycho. Did anyone read the SI article about this guy? He’s a classic underachiever not because of his work ethic or ability to cope with the pressure, but simply because early in his career he didn’t like throwing hard. For some reason (maybe he finally killed a man or something), he decided that he wanted to throw mid-nineties this year and no one can touch him. So, if he doesn’t decide to start trying to pick off fans in the crowd when he starts the All-Star game this guy is absolutely a deserving candidate. He reminds me of Brandon Frasier in that movie The Scout, Greinke being that pitcher who throws it 100 MPH every time but has major mental problems. Anyway, he ends up striking out everybody in the WS game he starts on three pitches, and nobody (except for the last batter) fouls one off. Yeah, I’d say he has that kind of stuff.

RP – Mariano Rivera, Yanks – “No dude, Papelbon’s actually better!” Shut the fuck up. No one can touch Mo. Ever. The dude is on fire right now. Got his 500th save and first career RBI in the same game this year (nice pitching, K-Rod) and is 21-22 with saves this season. On those rare occasions where Mo does fuck up a situation, somewhere an angel cries. It’s clearly not the natural order of things. He’s been throwing one pitch his entire life and still nobody can hit it. After 15 year he’s still number one in the game. That’s the equivalent of Gangta’s Paradise by Coolio still being the number one song in the country today. ‘Nuff said.

NL tomorrow.