Two Very Unrelated Baseball Updates

The Chicago White Sox reported earlier that Bartolo Colon was set to make a rehab start in AAA Charlotte on Thursday. The only problem with that was, as the White Sox put it, they don’t know where he is. "Efforts to contact his agent have been successful. Their efforts to contact their client have not been so successful,” said Sox GM Ken Williams. How do you lose a baseball player? I understand losing your keys or your wallet or your child even, but how on earth do you misplace Bartolo Colon? It’s as if they’re saying the White Sox AAA Squad was on a field trip to sea world and pudgy Bartolo wandered off to buy some more cotton candy. However, I do find the image of Bartolo forgetting he had a start, or that he still played professional baseball at all, really amusing( although it did sound strangely believable). The White Sox are currently 2 back of Detroit in the AL Central, but if they want to out-run Minnesota and Detroit in that division they should stop misplacing right arms.

Justin Morneau, last year’s home run derby champion, decided that he will decline the invitation to this year’s competition. This kind of thing always makes me sick come all star weekends in any sport. Last season’s NBA Dunk Contest featured Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson, J.R. Smith, Rudy Fernandez, and Rudy Gay. All of those guys are ridiculously talented jumpers and athletes, and Dwight and Nate did put on a decent show, but those just aren’t the 5 that should be in that competition. Where’s Lebron? Where’s Iguodola? Too often are great dunkers and great shooters, great home run hitters, and defending champions, like Morneau, declining invitations to these events that we deserve to see them in and they should be dying to do. I would play in every dunk contest, home run derby, three point shootout or all-star game that I was asked to. I know I, like every player probably does, wouldn't hate the idea of rest that weekend, but I love those shows and I think they would be a trip to take part in. If I were Morneau I would show every fan of the sport that, for the second year in a row, mine was swinging below the knees.

Pinstripe Women

Playing for the Yankees has its obvious benefits, one of the most obvious ones being your immediate increase of sex appeal to the ladies.

While A-Rod would clearly much rather be doing this than Kate Hudson, most other Yankees players put their fame and status to excellent use.

We've all heard about Derek Jeter's expoits (it's actually sickening), but many of the other Bombers are pulling in some nice ace as well.

DJ has also been linked to Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly of late.

The new acquisitions are just what you expect. Burnett's wife looks like a skank and C.C.'s wife looks like she's fun and loving just like the big poppa CC is.

But that begs the question: what are you doing Tex?

I love Jorge to death, but for a guy who looks half-tortoise and half-human his wife is also pretty damn fine. Laura Posada, by the way, is now subject of a new show on E! about baseball wives.

Melky hangs with the likes of porn star and former candidate for governor of California Marey Carey, while even ex-Yank Giambi had a decent looking wife. Speaking of Giambi, it just doesn't get any better than this.

Damon's new wife is also semi-attractive, considering he might be the most awkward guy ever.

What really says something are the exploits of the two Yankee young guns, Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain. Joba's girlfriend is definitely looking good, while it just gets me pumped to see these guys hanging out.

By the way, for funny updates and random news stuff about athletes I definitely recommend checking out terezowens.com.

Ricky Rubio Being Awesome

If you are not a Rubio believer, watch this video. Watch from about 1:50 to the 3:00 minute mark. He's too good. There's one play you see in there that might be the best combination of dribbling and passing I have ever seen.


*Note: the music on the mixtape doesn't feel right so I recommend muting it and putting something else from your iTunes as background music - really enhances the experience

All-Stars and All-Scrubs (American League)

BUREY - The final rosters for the MLB All-Star teams were announced last week, and so consequently its necessary that I go through each lineup and berate or agree with the fans’ selection for each squad. Today’s analysis will examine the AL, whose sole mission is winning home field advantage for the Yankees in the World Series this October.

Because I am an egalitarian, enthusiastic, and unbiased fan of the game, I maxed out my voting capabilities in the first week by selecting every Yankees starter at every position, which is, undoubtedly the lineup with the best chance to beat any team on any given day (of any possible combination of players in the majors). However, although only three players in pinstripes were selected this year (a pathetically low number), I still respect the rest of the AL’s squad as elected by the voters. They didn’t, with a few glaring exceptions, do that shitty of a job this year. I think home field for the Yankees is in good hands.

C – Joe Mauer, Twins – quite simply, Mauer is a man’s man. He’s a hometown boy, loyal, damn good looking, plays great D, and happens to be batting pretty close to .400 (.384). No catcher in the bigs come close to matching his all around numbers (14 HR, 45 RBIs). And if anyone read the SI article on him the other day you’ll respect how he left last year’s All-Star weekend early to go back to his self-made log cabin outside of Minneapolis (that has a bowling alley and a batting cage, by the way).

1B – Mark Teixiera, Yanks – Yes. Big fuckin’ Tex. A true class act at first base and the definition of an All-Star (even though this is his first selection). He’s worth every penny the Yanks paid for him. He plays great D, bats third and comes up with big hits in big spots. Classic middle of the order guy. I would love to see him get his 21st homer (he’s been on 20 forever), but I think everyone can respect how he hit a broken bat bomb at Yankee, which begs the question: jet stream or hairy chest?

2B – Dustin Pedroia, Sox – Yeah, not really. Like we get it, you won the MVP. But seriously you are 5’ 1” and are clearly compensating for having the smallest penis in the league. I could berate Pedroia all day about his general cockboy-ness, but the numbers don’t lie. He doesn’t deserve to start this game. He’s batting .290 with 3 homers, 37 RBI and 14 SB. Those numbies don’t even make him a top 5 2B. If we look at, oh let’s say, Robinson Cano (.305, 13, 45, 4) we can clearly see how he is just not having a great year. Figgins, Aaron Hill, Brian Roberts, and Ian Kinsler are all playing better than him. Unfortunately, apparently its the “chill” thing to like the Sox these days so I bet every prep school attending, Marthas Vinyard going, DMB listening, wanna be alternative bro tried to show their allegiance to this “scrappy underdog” by voting for all Sox. God I hate Boston.

3B – Evan Longoria, Rays – Longoria is kinda a beast. Although we all know A-Rod would be starting if he hadn’t gotten injured, Longoria is the real deal. Not only that, but his chin strap Italiano beard look just embodies all that a Tampa Bay Ray should be. Dude probably runs every Tampa area strip club. He’s a franchise player. I’ll put out on over under of 3 years before he’s playing some other infield position for the Yankees.

SS – Derek Jeter, Yanks – And finally, all of earth's creatures can live together in perfect harmony. The AL should simply reserve the spot for Jeter for the rest of his career, kind of like the Yankees plan to play without a shortstop after he r*****s (don’t say the r-word about Derek). He has the best numbers of all AL SS, batting .313 with a surprising 10 HR, 35 RBI and 17 SB. More importantly, he is the league leader is total votes, mystique, intangibles, good-looks, bi-racialness, and bitches slayed. Look up all-around stud in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of Derek. I’d let Derek date my mom. If I had a sister, I’d be cool with him fucking her brains out (I’d probably listen by the door). I plan to cry the day he r*****s. And he’s having a great year. Seriously argue with me, seriously.

OF – Jason Bay, Sox, Ichiro, Mariners, Josh Hamilton, Rangers – I was about to throw the hammer down on Jason Bay, but then I realized that 71 is a shitload of RBIs, and the dude has 21 bombs. As much as I hate to admit it, the Sox lucked out on this guy. He’s made Boston fans forget about Manny faster than people forgot that Blessed Union of Souls has more songs than “She Likes Me for Me” (do they?). Ichiro is no surprise. Just like always, the Emperor of Japan issued his annual edict demanding every citizen to vote for him 25 times at the risk of doing dishonor unto their families. That should have made his total 3,182,210,400 votes, but I think some people held off this year. Looks like there might be some seppuku going on. Ok, as for Josh Hamilton, I really have no explanation. This is a great travesty. I was at the home run derby last year, and yes, it was cool to see Hamilton put balls through the UTZ chips sign in right but a lot of people forget that after that round, his year took an immediate plunge. He LOST the HR derby, finished with 32 homers and 130 RBIs (I’m pretty sure he was on pace for 89 and 210), and barely batted .300. This year, he’s played 37 games and is hitting .263 with 6 homers and 24 RBIs. Just to compare my boy Gay-Rod is hitting .246 with 14 homers and 44 RBIs in only 40 more at bats (interesting fact: A-Rod’s middle name is Emmanuel). The point is, fans are meatheads and Hamilton has no business starting (or playing) in the years’ game. Has anyone heard of Carl Crawford?

I really don’t feel like talking about all the pitchers, so I’m just gonna comment on who should be the starter and main reliever for each team.

SP – Zach Greinke, Royals – 10 wins playing for the Royals, an ERA of 2, WHIP of 1.05 and 120 k’s in 121.1 innings. We’ve learned two things about Zach Greinke this year: 1) He’s a really good pitcher and 2) He’s a psycho. Did anyone read the SI article about this guy? He’s a classic underachiever not because of his work ethic or ability to cope with the pressure, but simply because early in his career he didn’t like throwing hard. For some reason (maybe he finally killed a man or something), he decided that he wanted to throw mid-nineties this year and no one can touch him. So, if he doesn’t decide to start trying to pick off fans in the crowd when he starts the All-Star game this guy is absolutely a deserving candidate. He reminds me of Brandon Frasier in that movie The Scout, Greinke being that pitcher who throws it 100 MPH every time but has major mental problems. Anyway, he ends up striking out everybody in the WS game he starts on three pitches, and nobody (except for the last batter) fouls one off. Yeah, I’d say he has that kind of stuff.

RP – Mariano Rivera, Yanks – “No dude, Papelbon’s actually better!” Shut the fuck up. No one can touch Mo. Ever. The dude is on fire right now. Got his 500th save and first career RBI in the same game this year (nice pitching, K-Rod) and is 21-22 with saves this season. On those rare occasions where Mo does fuck up a situation, somewhere an angel cries. It’s clearly not the natural order of things. He’s been throwing one pitch his entire life and still nobody can hit it. After 15 year he’s still number one in the game. That’s the equivalent of Gangta’s Paradise by Coolio still being the number one song in the country today. ‘Nuff said.

NL tomorrow.

Handbook for Respectable Videogame Play: Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010 Edition

Los Sports Bros love sports videogames. They are really the only videogames we play besides the occasional Halo sesh. Never, and I repeat, never, are the original videogame settings for a sports videogame legitimate. The settings must be tweaked around in order for optimal fun and realistic game play. Luckily for you guys, Los Sports Bros know the right settings for every game, and we post the game settings when the game is relevant. Our first videogame Handbook: Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010. This is a great game if played the right way, here's what you do. Most of these can be changed and saved in the game options mode:

1. Even if you think you're legit, do not set it to 'tour difficulty' mode. This mode cancels most of the things we do, but it also cancels out power boost which you need to hit a lot of greens. Power Boost also takes skill to get full power.


2. Set 'spin' off. It's ridiculous that as a player you are able to spin drives or any shot left, right, straight, back, wherever. It's stupid and unrealistic. Don't use it. Also, once you turn spin off, the view is much more realistic and more fun to play.


3. Take the 'ball trailer' off. This is a little mystical stream that follows the ball in the air and looks more retarded than Daniel Murphy does in the outfield.


4. Set the green speed to fast. Fast is just the perfect green speed. 'Very fast' goes faster than a pre-mature ejaculator would if he fucked Roddick's wife. While the green speed 'medium' goes slower than Zydrunas Illgauskas running a 200 meter dash.


5. Set the rough length to long. We're all men here.


6. Set green hardness to medium. Soft is too easy and hard makes it impossible to stick filthy iron shots.


7. Change around the pin placement every time. Even if you think you're legit by making it expert pin placement every time, you're not. That leaves no variation when you play the same course. Pin placement is fun to switch around, it changes the course completely.


8. Putt-Preview is for girls. Usually, we allow putt-preview on the first putt of the match, and after that there's no putt preview. Read the green, it's really not that hard and makes the game much more realistic and challenging. Wouldn't you rather shoot 3 under as opposed to 20 under on a given round.


9. Switch up who you us as a golfer. It's fun to try new characters, but never be Tiger unless you're playing with someone a lot worse than you, then he can be Tiger. (Anthony Kim and Rory McIlroy are definitely the most exciting players to use - and yes that is only because they are young (24 and 20 respectively))...gotta love a double parentheses.


10. Enjoy the game, it's one of the best out right now.

The Five Most Underrated 2009 NBA Draftees

1. Terrence Williams (Nets). One of the best athletes in the draft, can defend very well and is a great passer. As Jay Bilas would say, he is "freakishly quick and abundantly lanky." More importantly, he wore a pink backpack around the Louisville campus, and he once told me that I looked like I was in a boy band (true story).

2. Brandon Jennings (Bucks): Was late to the draft and didn’t play in America last year, both of which make me like him less as a person, but not as a player.

3. Tyler Hansborough (Pacers): No one hated the nickname or the player “Psycho-T” more than me during his UNC tenure, but with solid physical attributes and a solid showing in his first summer league game (17 points), he seems promising as a role player. You would usually like a little more than a role player at the 13^th pick, but that’s the 2009 NBA Draft for you.

4. DaJuan Blair (Spurs): Always loved him at Pitt despite the fact he was on one of Georgetown’s biggest rivals. Tough, smart, physical, and played in the big east – could be a lot of value for the spurs if they’re trying to make a run.

5. Taylor Griffin (Suns): Just kidding, Taylor Griffin is going to suck in the NBA and was drafted solely because his last name is Griffin and he has a brother who isn’t too shabby. At least Taylor isn’t as ugly as the younger Griffin, so he’s got that going for him. But expect him to be a career NBDLer.