Not a Good Omen if You're a Marlins Fan

*you can skip ahead to about the 1:15 mark for the purpose of the video

Wake Up, Wake Up on a Saturday Night…

LOOP - Tim Wakefield is an all-star. He’s 42 years young, this is his 17^th season in the big leagues, he has more Fenway Park starts than any man in history, and finally he’s made it to the midsummer classic. I’m officially letting my first-born son only throw a baseball with his knuckles. He’ll thank me. Next to Brody Jenner, Tim might have the best life of any person on earth. He’s 42 and still capable of making the all-star team, his contract renews every year automatically with new incentives depending on how he pitches, and his job puts almost literally no strain on his body or his life. Typing this article is probably tougher than what he does. This man is just everything the Red Sox are about. He’s been with the club for 15 of those 17 seasons, he rides the T (subway) to and from work every day, and he just does not look like an MLB player (Pedroia, Bill Mueller, Varitek, Youk, Drew, Kevin Millar, Mark Bellhorn are some others who fit that mold). You put together most of the guys from the last decade of Sox squads, and what you have looks more like a construction team working on a public middle school than the Boston Red Sox. I just don’t understand what’s not to like about this guy. Someone like Burey would probably try and invalidate his success with some sketchy math and awkward MVP baseball references, but would undoubtedly come up short. There are no foul notes in the ballad of Wake.

Wakefield is also one of those guys in sports who will just seamlessly make the transition from player to coach (Avery Johnson definitely suited up the night before his first coaching appearance). Other players in this group: Bruce Bowen (Bruce BROwen), Brian Scalabrine, Shaun O’Hara (Shaun BRO'Hara), and Jamie Moyer. The fact is as long as Timmy has a right arm and can stand on his own two feet he’ll have a spot in that rotation, and when he’s 83 and can no longer pitch effectively, he’ll be in the dugout, and no one will have noticed the change in job description.

He’s also one of the MLB’s most charitable players, he has a pretty good-looking older woman for a wife, and he plays the guitar. In other words, he wins the award for most sketchily fresh player in baseball.

By the way, for any of the slower readers, the title of the article is from a Hillary Duff song, hence the first link. Step it up.

All-Stars and All-Scrubs (National League)

BUREY - Yesterday's installment was an analysis of the AL squad. Today, we examine the NL's finest, although they have no chance of winning and are 0-11-1 in the past 12 contests. Even if the NL actually did have a better team, I still think the universe will find a way to put this one in the AL's hands (i.e. Dan Uggla last year). Respect to Pujols, but everybody knows the NL is more or less AAAA ball.

C - Yadier Molina, Cards - Picking a starting catcher for the NL team is like trying to find something you like about reputed d-bag Spencer Pratt. Rookie Pablo Sandoval is the obvious statistical choice to start, with Brian McCann getting honorable mention, but I guess Yadier gets it for his defense. He must play some really good D though if he's starting this game; of all catchers in majors, Yadier is statistically not even top 10. In fact, I'd say big bro Bengie is actually having a better year.

1B - Albert Pujols, Cards - I read an article in SI yesterday about Pujols that was co-written by well-known sabermatrician and stat junkie Bill James. The point of the article was basically that no one in the history of baseball had ever gotten off to a better start to his career than Pujols. That is no one, ever, has ever started, or even had, nine straight years as good as Pujols. That's in the history of baseball. James was throwing around names like Ruth, Cobb, Gherig, Aaron...none of those guys were able to come in and be such immediate successes as Pujols is. James made a point to say that if Albert repeated his worst season 11 times (.327, 32, 103) he would be a sure-fire Hall of Famer (yes, that actually is his worst season). He has never hit fewer than 32 home runs, ever driven in less than 103, or ever hit lower than .314. This season, he is leading the NL in HR, RBI, OBP, OPS, total bases, slugging percentage, and is 1o points behind the leader in average. He's also swiped 10 bags. Maybe he really is a robot/machine.

2B - Chase Utley, Phillies - the best offensive second basemen in the league. He makes his counterpart Pedroia look like a cockboy (oh wait, he definitely is...), but he's got some pretty greasy flow during games. That said, I won't let it affect my review of him. Deserving starter, and I love these quirky out-takes of his EAS commercial. Not even Matt Hassleback can ruin this for me.

3B - David Wright, Mets - playing at Citi Field is really getting to David Wright. It seems like no one can go yard there, so what does he do when the going gets tough? Transforms his game into a scrappy average hitter. At one point D-Wright was leading the league in average but now he's dropped down to .325, hard to blame in for playing on a team where due to injuries Fernando Tatis is playing first and is his protection in the lineup. He's even playing the part by stealing 20 bases. While Mark Reynolds would be a deserving replacement (what a fantasy pickup by me), it's hard to hate on Wright for sticking it out while the rest of the Mets flail around him and the stadium architects try to ruin his career. Always room for one more in the Bronx Dave... Click here for obligatory picture of Wright with his hot girlfriend.

SS - Hanley Ramirez, Marlins - amidst rumors that Hanley might not play to give his hip some time off (the Fish are only two games back in the East and Ramirez is selflessly trying to keep himself healthy), HanRam deserves a lock on this spot. Though I can't justify taking Hanley number one in fantasy over Albert (still killing myself about that one), he is most definitely the best option in the league (with Reyes out). Hitting third has resulted in a slight decrease in SB (12) but he's hitting for a little more power of late. He'll have a 30-30 season, drive in 100 and bat around .340. Pretty legit stuff. And he looks like a baller too.

OF - Ryan Braun, Brewers, Carlos Beltran, Mets, Raul Ibanez, Phillies - Two things you didn't know about Ryan Braun: 1) He's Jewish and 2) His mom is also a brewer; she works as one for Anheuser-Busch. Combine those two nuggets with the fact that he's on pace for .320, 30+ and 100+ and he's a shoe-in starter. Beltran was well on his way to having a monster year but he was slowed by a DL stint, but Puerto Rican born + playing for the Mets = automatic starting job in the All-Star game. Raul Ibanez is a nice story. No one foresaw the huge numbers he is putting up for the Phillies this year (.312, 22, 59), and keep in mind he has been on the DL and will return shortly before the game. Overall it's impressive, especially when you factor in that he's 37 years old and hasn't ever had this kind of production. No, you're not the first one to call for a drug test, but Ibanez has earned a lot of respect in my eyes by stating that if he ever failed one he'd give back every penny he's ever made from the game of baseball, which begs the question: to who?

SP - Tim Lincecum, Giants - very, very close second is Dan Haren, but the nod goes to the little guy from San Francisco. By the way, I'd like to mention at this point that I have both Dan Haren and Chad Billingsley (third choice to start) on my fantasy team (I'm the next Funston). Anyway, little Tim is leading a surprising Giants staff (and team), striking out more than 20 batters more than innings pitched, hovering around 2 in ERA, and taking a page out of the Big Unit's mid-nineties style guide for flow. In fact, is it too early to deem this unlikely duo the new bash brothers? This MLB 2K9 commercial certainly provides support...

RP - Ryan Franklin, Cards - while K-Rod will probably trot out in the extremely unlikely case that the NL has a late game lead, the hometown closer deserves to get the call. He's got a sub-1 ERA and WHIP (.83) and has only failed to convert one time on the year. Again, it's not really practical discussing who the NL's closer should be, but if I were Charlie Manuel I would bring in Franklin to try and nail it down. Besides, K-Rod can't even get Mariano Rivera out...

That's it and be sure to tune in to this year's Midsummer Classic from St. Louis. Go Yankees (err...AL); I'm seeing a 6-3 win.

So Close, Yet So Far

PINNO - I know many Americans were disappointed after the U.S.A. International Soccer Club blew a 2-0 lead to Brazil in the Confederations Cup, losing 3-2. I watched the whole game that promising Sunday afternoon, and it seemed as if American soccer finally had some swagger (especially after beating arguably the World's best, Spain, two days earlier). However, there are a few reasons why the U.S. got in front 2-0, and there were many reasons why most savvy soccer fans knew Brazil still was not going to lose.

The game started out relatively back and forth, and in the 9th minute, Clint Dempsey had a beautifully sleazy goal (watch the link, its sleazy). Brazil was left a tad befuddled, as was the rest of the world as to how that goal happened (their faces were similar to mine when I read that Marcin Gortat was a very desirable Free Agent for a lot of NBA teams).

After U.S. was up 1-nil, Brazil began to attack. However, Tim Howard seemed to be up to every nifty, curvy, sketchy ball that Brazil played at him. By the way, isn't it weird not seeing Ronaldinho out there owning it for Brazil? I always loved him and it's weird to see him fade and not even be on the international team. Now Brazil has so many young players that I'm gonna have to learn to love/hate for the 2010 World Cup, but I digress.

Brazil is pushing, good defense by Beasley on Fabian and now the U.S. is on the counter. Jozy Altidore (my favorite, and he's my age) to Donovan, Donovan beautiful thru ball to Dempsey, Dempsey with an even better thru back to Donovan - Donovan stops, sets, and GOALLLLLLL! Boom goes the dynamite! What a great two man counter goal. This goal should be a video that young soccer players around the nation watch over and over. Good defense, unselfishness, spreading the field, and most importantly: a great finish by Donovan. The U.S. is up 2-0 and its the 26th minute. What's happening? Are we really about to beat out Spain in the semis and then Brazil in the Final to win the Confederations Cup? Who knew the answer to these questions at this point besides soccer God David Bekham? No one. All I knew is that there was something eery about this 2-0 lead, something that did not seem stable.

U.S. holds off Brazil for the rest of the half, and we can into half with an incredible solid 2-0 lead. I saw a lot of brown stains near the buttock's of American players on those white jerseys because I think every U.S. player was shitting themselves. Brazil's coach pretty much dissected every one of Bob Bradley's schemes at the half- which was clear by Brazil's domination in the second half.

I'll make this paragraph, on Brazil's three goals, easy on American soccer fans. Luis Fabiano single-handedly breaks down the U.S.'s poor, poor defense. He scores at the beginning of the second half not even a minute into it! In the 73rd minute, Fabiano gets the ball fed to him after two deflections (Howard had no chance) and scores easily. it seemed as if America had little hope. Everyone was expecting Brazil to score again, there was no way to stop it. And they did, 10 minutes later, in the 83rd minute (Lucio). Game, set, match.

Clint Dempsey was sobbing as the Americans were getting their second place medals, an achievement that, despite the tears, I'm sure he one of his teammates was proud of. No one would have guessed that America would beat Spain, let alone come close to beating Brazil in the Final. Brazil had 11 shots on goal compared to America's 4, they killed the U.S. in possesion time, and Julio Cesar only needed two saves compared to Howard's 8. Most who watched the 2nd half of the Final knew it was over long before stoppage time ended. However, this Confederations Cup showing gives America a lot of confidence for the World Cup in a year; and it also gives the U.S. more respect on a global level. "We're at the point where we don't want respect, we want to win," says Landon Donovan, who put the U.S. up 2-0 and is a fan favorite around the nation. Due to America's gutty performance, I finally believe that American soccer players think and more importantly know that they can hang with the big dogs.