J.A....I Thought I Knew You

PINNO - Today, I got home from work and turned on P.T.I. at its usual 5:30pm eastern time. To my surprise, it was being hosted by not one, but two filler-hosts: Dan LeBetard and J.A. Adande. I'm a huge fan of Dan and I lean towards a positive view of Adande most of the time. However, this PTI episode changed my thoughts about him forever.

The first ten minutes of the episode start off swimmingly until they transitioned into the topic of Steve McNair. Before they discussed the impact his death has on his legacy, Adande blurts out to LeBetard: "you prob won't be able to cope with this next story, because you induce hatred everywhere you go." Like, ok Adande, random and unnecessary, but I don't hate you yet.

Then they get into the Steve McNair story. Dan states how the fact he was killed with (or by) a 20-year-old woman who is not is wife will negatively impact his NFL legacy. Adande counters by saying: "personal life off the field should never impact the way we view someone's career on the field." I somewhat disagree, but I think its an opinion and not an awful point by J.A, but next is what really gets me.

Dan makes the great point of how we never really have seen a death in this way by such a young and newly retired quarterback. Even if athletes die at a young age, it's rarely in the bizarre way McNair was found dead - in a condo that he owned, cheating on his wife, with gunshots in him. Even Sean Taylor's death was a sadder one because he actually was not doing anything wrong when he was shot. LeBetard continues to talk about how McNair will be remembered in two ways now, as opposed to just the great leader who was one yard away from potentially winning a Superbowl. So before the bell rings (which means the topic is over) Adande blurts out: "the way he died should not change the way we view him off the field either, tons of athletes do stuff like this and we do not view them as a differently." Really? Did you really just say that? So basically, even though McNair was found dead with a woman other than his wife and he got killed because of it, we still won't view him off the field differently? Um, I don't really have much else to go by in terms of knowing Steve McNair off the field. Even the great Jeff Fisher acknowledged the unfortunate circumstances of his death, realizing it would "taint his legacy." Do fans view Ray Lewis now as a scary freak after his murder allegations and not just a good linebacker? Yes. Jesus, J.A.

Afterwards, the PTI replacements got into a discussion about the late Michael Jackson. They talked about the memorial for him and his impact on the industry as well as the world which was all very nice. LeBetard not-so-gracefully states how we will remember Michael Jackson as not only the great performer, "but also for his weirdness." This is a point I agree with, as I do with roughly 67% of points made by Dan LeBetard. Adande's counter before the buzzer sounds: "well we would never talk about his weirdness if he wasn't the greatest performance I have ever since." First of all, well said, starting with we and ending with I. Second of all, are you saying that all very weird not-as-popular celebrities that have died are not remembered for their weirdness because they weren't great enough? Retarded, J.A. But it is Michael and he used to be black and you are black so I guess I'll let this one slide.

Then the replacement duo led by Shane Falco discusses tennis - girls tennis. Adande talks about Serena Williams and how he likes the fact that she sometimes doesn't take tennis too seriously because "if she was singly focused on tennis, she wouldn't last as long." Then he goes onto say "I'd much rather remember interesting people as professional athletes than these devoted wackos." Wait a second J.A., when you were talking about McNair, didn't you say what kind of a person he was has nothing to do with his professional career? Then you say you'd rather have enigmatic people over devoted athletes who always take their sport seriously? Do on the field and off the field character correlate or not? Make up your mind.

I was going to get into what J.A. said about Artest going to the Lakers, but it pissed me off too much to write about, so I'll take you to commercial brake where Adande says to Dan: "how about the way I'm wiping the floor with you in this edition of PTI." What does this accomplish, making you look like an idiot? Yes. Well done.

My favorite part of watching PTI is during commericals because during every commerical break they'll cut back to the PTI studio and show the guys joking around a little. This time, LeBetard and Adande we're singing some song (I didn't know what it was), but to my dismay/surprise, Adande actually has a very solid voice. Put one tally in your column, J.A.

After break, LeBetard breaks the irrelevant news that Chad 'OchoCinco' Johnson will be "tweeting" during games. He also talked about how twitter is a bad idea for athletes because many of them are stupid and will post regrettable statements. For example, after Michael Jackson died, Chad Johnson tweeted that "....this is just as sad as 9/11." Aggressive/retarded statement. I hate tweet, so does LeBetard, so does Ada-.....oh wait, he loves twitter. He's a huge fan: "twitter allows you to express anything you want about your emotion in 140 words or less." Sweet Adande. Then Adande goes for the finishing touch on me hating him, before commerical break: "I'm gonna tweet right now: kicking LeBetard's ass in toss-up. How about that?" How about SHUT UP J.A.. Kornheiser and Wilbon never claim that one of them is 'beating' the other, only occasionally joke about who made less mistakes. Not only that, but J.A. somehow mentioned three times in the same episode that he was kicking LeBetards ass on the show - which he wasn't, at all. He really makes me cringe.

Maybe Adande is just mad that he looks like a penguin - watch the show, it's true. Regardless, a sportscaster I once thought I knew and respected is now someone who will only generate negative thoughts in my mind. Don't worry J.A., I doubt this post will taint your legacy.

Lance, Lance, Lance

LOOP - The Tour de France is showcased on the versus sports network. For any of you who aren’t particularly familiar with versus, you can hop on their website. “The official website of bull riding, NHL hockey (hockey fans are not going to love Los Sports Bros), and the Tour de France.” The topic of this article is listed behind bull riding, so I don’t expect their to be a wealth of knowledge out there on it, and I’m not going to claim to have too much myself.

Here are some of the most basic facts: At this point, stage 4 has been completed, and Lance Armstrong (at the age of 37 and with one testicle) is in second place by tenths of a second. Let me start off by saying that I’m extremely biased when talking about Lance. I’m a sketchily avid cyclist, I’ve read, “It’s not about the Bike, my Journey Back to Life” twice, and a Livestrong bracelet has been on my right wrist for the better part of five years (with the tan line to prove it). I love the man and I’m 40% sure I’d take a bullet for him in the arm or leg, and considering we’ve never met I think that’s fairly high praise.

On October 2, 1996 (I know the date by heart and did not have to look it up), he was diagnosed with cancer that had spread to his lungs, abdomen, and brain. Years of treatment, one testicle, and seven Tour de Frances later, the guy is still plugging away at the age of 37. I’m not sure about you, but when I think of 37 year olds I think of the sweaty, hairy, d-bags I play pickup basketball with at college who wear 6 knee braces and sport goggles, not Tour winners.

I know what the cynics, and the critics, and the Lance-haters of the world say, because I’ve heard it all. I’ve read it in newspapers, I’ve seen it on the web and I’ve watched it on TV. The longest section of the guy’s Wikipedia page is entitled “Allegations of drug use.” I know we live in an era of sports plagued by steroids and asterisks, and by athletes like Barry Bonds and Marion Jones and Mark Belhorn ((joke, but he was juicing (I still love him)). The people my age grew up in this era. We learned to love sports during stretches of our lives like in the summer of 1998, when Sosa and McGwire were racing away, becoming our Mantle and Maris. Unfortunately, slowly but surely the recollections of those great times in our sports adolescences have been contaminated. Now, whenever something great comes along in sports we have second and third thoughts. We are always questioning and we are immensely cautious to believe.

Believe in Lance. I urge you to, I implore you to. I’ll leave you with a few Lance facts to validate that request.

• 7 (maybe 8) Tour De France victories
• Hilarious cameos in “You me and Dupree” and “Dodegball”
• Olsen twin (not going to pretend like I know which one)
• Beat a shitload of cancer
• No positive drug tests, despite all of the allegations
• Sheryl Crow
• Ridiculously profitable cancer foundation
• Kate Hudson
• 37 years old competing at the highest level in the most physically demanding sports known to man
• He can do crazy stuff like run a sub 3 hour marathon on a whim
• Olsen twin

David Kahn: The Antichrist...As Well as Some Other Draft Thoughts

PINNO - I know the 2009 NBA Draft happened a few weeks ago, but considering it was: on my birthday, on the same day that Michael Jackson (and Farrah Fawcett) died, as well as the fact that it was the worst draft in terms of talent since 2000 – it still has some relevance and deserves to be discussed. Although this draft sucked in terms of talent, it still had as many plot twists as Kerry Kittles has career goals. If you want to read something a lot more educated and wittier than this post regarding the same subject, I highly recommend you read Bill Simmons's NBA Draft Diary:

Ok so the draft. This was a seven-pick draft. After the top seven guys, there is no one who catches my attention as an all-star; the Knicks getting the 8^th pick could not be more fitting or irking. We all knew the Knicks were going to get screwed, too. There was no surprise. It makes too much sense for the Knicks to get the 6^th or 7^th pick in the lottery so they can draft Curry, bring LeBron to NY in 2010, then win a Championship. Perhaps that prediction is extreme, regardless: the Warriors draft Curry (now Anthony Randolph can share a crying companion on the bench, Monte Ellis) and the Knicks get the boring, black version of David Lee. This is not Donnie Walsh’s fault, however. Jordan Hill was the best player available at 8. In most drafts he would be mid-first round, but in a draft when you have a player, Jrue Holliday, with 8 ppg as well as more turnovers than assists per game, projected to go top 10, this draft is clearly a different ballgame. (note: Jrue Holliday ended up falling down to the Sixers, or 76ers or whatever variation of "six" they call themselves, at the 17^th pick) (another note: The spelling of “Jrue” from “Drew” is something that Mrs. Holliday had to do after losing a bet to one of her friends that she could eat two buckets of KFC in under 90 seconds). Anyway, here’s whose fault it is that the Knicks got screwed, and I promise the title of this post will become relevant: it’s the fault of Sam Presti, Geoff Petrie, and my least favorite man in sports, David Kahn.

The three best players from this draft and in this order were Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio, and Stephen Curry (honorable mention: Johnny Flynn). Ever since the Laker’s awkward/retarded cousin got the first pick in the lottery, everyone, including all involved in Derek Huff’s boat trip in “Step-Brothers,” knew they were taking Griffin. Fine. Griffin’s gone, and fine, Rubio does not want to play in Memphis so the Grizzlies select Dikembe Mutombo negative 2.0. But now, Sam Presti, you have the chance to have the most exciting team in the NBA. Kevin Durant is the most underrated player in the league and is a top-3 talent. Jeff Greene is a very solid player who is only getting better. You already have sort of a position quagmire with these two players cause they’re both small forwards – too big to play SG and too skilled/skinny to play PF. You also have a natural SG who is playing point and does not really know how to pass. And just waiting to be picked by Presti is Ricky Rubio. The most exciting international player of my lifetime comes along, just old enough to buy porn (although I doubt he as ever needed to use his own hand to pleasure himself. Ever. Such a God.), would make the Thunder exciting, would make Durant want to stay, but no - Presti picks James Harden. Maybe Presti is a fashion guru and thought Rubio was dressed a little too conservatively at the draft, while in contrast; Harden had the most fly outfit by far, check it out. But seriously, Harden is a good player, but you don’t need him! Your team doesn’t need more shot takers, it needs a distributer! I cant hate on this pick as much as I’d like to, cause Harden is a G, and a lefty, and rocks number 13, as well as an old school beard. But still, retarded.

Ahhhhh Geoff Petrie, how nice of you to join us. So instead of taking Rubio, you take a 19-year old, with some questionable personal issues, who isn’t a great athlete. He can’t jump (and he’s black, definition of anomaly), he can’t shoot (27.4% 3pt shooting at Memphis), he’s not a natural PG (which is what they drafted him as), yet they think he is more valuable than Rubio. I just don’t get it. Rubio is just too good of a fit. Presti and Petrie must have been like “hmmmm, if I draft Rubio my team would be a lot better and exciting, but he seems too perfect…yeah I’ll just take the solid shooting guard who will never be an all-star.” This is a perfect sequitur to the primary subject of this post: David fucking Kahn.

David Kahn is not only the antichrist in relative terms to the NBA draft, but I believe he may be the antichrist in absolute terms, meaning the actual antichrist to God. David Kahn is the guy who you don’t feel badly not holding the door open for. David Kahn is the guy who if you went to a baseball game with him and two other friends, you would do everything in your power not to sit next to him. David Kahn is the guy who needs no introduction besides: “David Kahn, the worst thing to happen to basketball since Kwame Brown.” (too soon to rip on Kwame? don’t know why I said Kwame Brown, I just hate him). So why do I hate David Kahn so much? A lot of reasons:

1. He’s an idiot who has no right to be a GM in the NBA. Here is his résumé: NBDL ('05-'09): Founder Southwest Basketball; MLB ('03-'04): Oregon Stadium Campaign; Indiana Pacers ('95-'04): GM ('98-'02); Proskauer Rose LLP ('93-'95): Associate; NBC Sports ('90-'95): Consultant, NBA Showtime; Portland Oregonian ('84-'89): NBA sports writer. Like what the fuck? Honestly? If I was President of the Minnesota Chafe-Wolves, I’d rather turn Brian Cardinal into player/GM than hire David Kahn. Kahn must have started cracking up when they called him to tell him he got the job. He was probably busy filling out a Jonny Rockets restaurant application when he got the call. He then invited over the one friend he has, an imaginary friend by the name of Natas (Satan backwards), and they played a game of chess to celebrate in which Kahn lost.

2. He’s ugly and pale

3. He fired the saint that was and is Kevin McHale.

4. *Most important reason why I hate him: what he did in the draft. Rubio does not want to play for Minnesota and he knows that. With two picks and Rubio still there, however, you can’t pass him up. So he takes Rubio. Fine. Rubio is incredible and its incredible to me that he dropped all the way to 5. So you have the best point guard in the draft. If you select Curry with 6, you have: Rubio, Curry, Jefferson and Love. What I think to be four very legit starters and potentially three out of those four are all-stars. But again, that makes too much sense, so Kahn drafts Johnny Flynn! Johnny Flynn?!?! I love Johnny Flynn, but you just drafted Rubio. Why get Flynn? All this does is piss off Rubio even more, leave Flynn confused, leaves me upset and angry, and Kahn is still pondering why he doesn’t get any pussy….Flynn is the second best point guard in the draft, but still, why try to be the “everyone shut up, even though I know nothing about basketball I know what I’m doing! Ok??” guy and just select Curry to make your team good. Now Rubio wants to go back to Spain, Flynn is in a situation that he hates although he’ll never say it cause he’s the man, and you just fucked up the natural order of things. It’s not very relevant that he selected his third point guard in as many picks with Ty Lawson with at the 18^th pick because he traded it to Denver for a future 1^st rounder, a move I was indifferent about. Rubio is now talking about going back to Spain for a year or maybe two, and guess what? Kahn doesn’t care. Actually, he likes the idea. Paraphrased, he basically said: “yeah that was my plan all along, we can have Flynn play point guard for the next two years while Rubio goes to Spain and finishes his contract so we don’t have to spend a few million dollars, then when he comes back, he’s only 20! We’re not going to win a championship in the next two years, so Flynn is our point guard of the present and Rubio is our point guard of the future.” Ok. First of all, no one wants to wait to see Rubio play in two years, we want him now goddamit. More importantly, does Kahn think that Fynn is going to retire at the age of 22 or something? What happens in two years when Flynn is tearing it up and Rubio comes back? Battle it out for the starting spot? Will David Kahn even be alive in two years? I hope not. Also, what kind of confidence are you giving your team if you say that for the next two years you’re not even trying to win a championship? The Celtics went from literally the worst team in the league to winning a championship in one year due to good General Managing. And that must make Flynn feel good, ‘oh so I should feel secure for two years and then I probably will be a backup or get traded.’ (love Flynn btw, he is the only reason, besides a few Andy Rautins shots, that Syracuse beat UConn in that epic 6 OT game). Anyway, to be honest, if Rubio is traded to a team with a good market I’ll be happier, still not satisfied until Kahn is sent to the guillotine, though.

5. In a recent ballhype article, he is described as “a toxic blend of Isiah Thomas and Chris Wallace.” That actually hurts to read. Those are the two worst GM’s of my generation, bar none.

….So yes, those are my reasons for hating David Kahn. I hope everyone agrees with me on his overall sucking as a person and a GM. The NBA draft is still always a good time though, really upsetting about Curry not going to the Knicks, but LeBron is not staying with Cleveland after this season so we’ll see what Donnie can do.

Welcome to the Squad, Eric

BUREY - This week, a little before the usual time of year to plunder the farm system to trade two semi-promising prospects for the Pirates best player, Brian Cashman contributed to complicating the Yankees lineup again by picking up perennial underachiever Eric Hinske to shore up the bench and the outfield. While this move actually made me smile a little bit because the Pirates actually ended up with Lastings Milledge from Washington and two of our prospects, it was all too familiar with the typical process for Yankees mid-season moves. As we all know, Hinske will no doubt soon join the ranks of Richie Sexon, Josh Phelps, Craig Wilson, Aaron Boone, and even Glenallen Hill as the latest Cashman brainchild to fuck with Girardi as he continues to play roulette everyday with whose going to play leftfield.

This is what bothers me about Yankees management. It’s like year after year, whenever we’re two behind the Sox either two weeks before or after the all-star break, Cashman karate kicks the “break in case of emergency” glass in his office where there should be a fire extinguisher but instead pulls out a wad of 100’s and two trading cards of prospects that he can shell out for a mediocre UTIL guy whose gonna bat .212 with one game winning homer that makes him think it was a good investment.

Hinske is just too perfect of a player not to fit this mold. Immediately after we got him John Sterling jizzed his pants over how he’s going to be able to play outfield AND third base! He’ll be able to give A-Rod’s hip a day off (actually, as long as this decreases the chance that Cody Ransom ever gets to play it's sort of a good situation)! Susan, did you hear that? Yeah, she’s wet too.

Now let’s all remember that Eric Hinske did win ROY playing third base for Toronto...in 2002. Just to give you a point of reference, in 2002 I thought I had a legitimate chance to be Jeter’s successor at SS. Now after completing the AL East whore circuit (playing for the Sox, and the Rays after) he’s where he finally belongs, getting a start in RF in Yankee Stadium. It’s just too ironic and too perfect that another re-tred is gonna end up taking AB’s away from the guys who really need to get in grooves so we can continue our solid play of late. And here’s why:

Girardi really likes to micro-manage and mixes up his lineups too much. Now with another guy like Hinske on the bench he’s going to feel like he has to give him a start every third day, making our outfield an even more complicated orgy of Cabrera, Damon, Swisher, Gardener...and Hinske. Joe has enough problems balancing 4 outfielders, so that with Matsui constantly having to DH one of these should-be-every-day guys is going to get iced every so often and not be able to get in a groove. Now he’s going to want to DH A-Rod more, so Matsui won’t be able to play (even though he’s just starting to heat up after a NL road trip of never playing), Hinske will take every couple of games from Gardener, Cabrera will continue to streak to a .260 average, Damon won’t be able to milk his home starts for cheap homers, and Swisher will lose his OBP effectiveness if he doesn’t get to play everyday.

That’s thing the I’ve liked about Nady being hurt a little bit. Even though the X Man was well on his way to being the only Cashman midseason acquisition ever to secure an everyday job before his injury (minus Abreu, but he's actually good), his absence was giving some nice character to the lineup. Damon has 16 homers (wtf?), Swisher is getting on base a lot, Gardener is the fastest player we’ve had since Tony Womack or a 54 year old Kenny Lofton (your pick), and Melky is actually hovering around .290.

The main thing I’m trying to say is that giving Joe more options for playing time is going to end up making this Yankee team another hodgepodge of semi-injured old guys clamoring for their day off like they’re all trying to call out blackout bingo at a retirement home. You know why I love Teixiera? Cause he plays everyday at first and bats third like a man. Doesn’t complain, runs well and plays good defense. Good teams have consistent everyday lineups, and as soon Girardi discovers he has another toy to play with our lineup is going to get more convoluted. Also, the move resulted in sending my boy Ramiro Pena down to AAA. R.I.P. Ramiro.

It was almost too eerily familiar on Monday. Hinske got his first start in right (Tex was at DH so Swisher could play first, I bet Girardi was wacking it to how versatile his lineup could be at that point, pissin’ me off), and had a two hits (including a homer) and a diving catch in his first game. Even though they were down 7-4 in the ninth, Sterling had already busted a nut and was raving about how if the Yanks got the tying run on, Hinske (now called a power hitter, for some reason), would have a chance to tie the game. Guess what? After a couple of dunk hits he came up with the tying run on and K’d to end it.

It was such a beautiful metaphor, Hinske doing a couple of things well in his first appearance to make the fans (and management) forget that when we are actually going to need him to do a real clutch, come-off-the-bench job down the stretch, he’s gonna suck. They say life imitates art, and if I could just paint the portrait of our almost sweep off the Jays with this loss I’m pretty confident that the rest of the season with Hinske in the mix will follow suit. Unless you wanna prove me wrong Joe....

America Spelled A-N-D-Y

LOOP - It was the afternoon following the birthday of our nation, and two days after Andy Roddick played what a lot of smart people thought was the best match of his career against Andy Murray and 15,000 of his closest friends. I was physically ill watching Roddick play in that final. I honestly cannot remember a sporting event I was more emotionally invested in than that tennis match this past Sunday. Four and a half hours, 77 games, and one break of serve later, Andy Roddick is hanging his head at his change –over chair as the runner up in the 2009 Wimbledon and I feel more defeated than I did in ’03 when Aaron Boone sent a Tim Wakefield Knuckleball, and Red Sox World Series hopes, soaring in to the upper deck of Yankee Stadium. I’ve never been more nervous watching anything than I was watching Roddick in that fifth set trying to hold his bigger-than-life serve. At one point during that match I told my family I would forfeit the remainder of the Red Sox season for a Roddick win. At one point my younger, slightly more neurotic, brother said he would let our 10 year old sister catch swine flu if it meant a Roddick win. I’m quite sure he meant it.

When the match was over, I found myself wondering what you can even begin to compare that match to, and I came up with this: If the 6 OT, Syracuse v. UConn Big East final had been for the national championship of college basketball, or if Junior Griffey robbing Lou Collins of a game-tying dinger in “Little Big League” had been in the 20^th inning of that Twins v. Mariners game.

I know he’s great, I know I’m witnessing something remarkable every time I get to see him play, but I really and truly despise Roger Federer. His subtle arrogance, his big nose, the way he runs his hand through his hair every 6 seconds, his Gillette commercials. I even despise his unborn child. He had the number “15” embroidered in gold on his post-match Nike zip-up, and two adds in the first TV break after the match. Roger: WE GET IT. You’re strangely good at tennis; for the love of God we get it. I did manage to take some solace in the fact that Andy got to go home to Brooklyn Decker, who I’d take a year off of my life to get with, and Roger had to go home to his wife, Mirka, and I wouldn’t let my Norwich Terrier fuck something named Mirka.

Let me close with this: If you rooted for Federer in that Wimbledon final, you do not love your country, you are no longer aloud to root for the USA or any athlete belonging to the USA in international sporting events, and your pro-Federer facebook status is no different than a 1940’s pro-Hitler status.