Top 5 Most Detestable Figures in Sports - #4 - Ricky Rubio

“Bro have you seen his filthy youtube tapes with that sick entire "Free Bird" song in the background?” “Bro he is definitely the next Pistol Pete, his hair totally flows. Check out his other grainy footage, this one is to a Van Halen Asher Roth mashup!”

I will begin by noting the following: Do I believe that Rubio is talented? I do. Do I think he has potential to be a star in the USA? I think its possible. Did I hype this kid like a drooling school girl during the Olympics? I won’t deny it.

In the last calendar year my feelings for Rubio have changed dramatically. I now despise the young Spaniard. He disrespected the entire NBA during the pre-draft process; he continues to disrespect NBA fans, David Kahn (even though Kahn himself is a world class cock-boy), and his future teammates on the Minnesota Timberwolves. We are supposed to believe he is the greatest passer and most unselfish player since John Stockton (see: Hornacek, Jeff) yet everything he has done to this point points to the fact that he is a selfish, coddledm prick (granted with really nice hair).

Look up his statistics in Europe. I’m not impressed. Abused by Brandon Jennings in a Euroleague matchup? He was. Dominate the Olympics? He was the fifth best player on the Spanish team and did nothing against the USA. Juan Carlos Navarro was twice the player Rubio was in the Gold Medal game. How did Rubio do in the pre-draft combine? How did he measure? What was his vertical? How did he perform in 5 on 5 drills? Oh that’s right. He did none of these things. He was scheduled for a grueling workout against some cones and a few other inanimate objects in Sacramento but caught a questionable, sleazy, sketchy, dubious fever the night before. When asked about Minnesota he said he didn’t want to play there because “my mother hates the cold weather.” Grow a sack Ricky. Tell your mom to buy some bronzer. Buy her a north face and get out of my face, seriously, oh wait, nice behind the back dribble. Shut up Rubio. By the way we speak English in this country. I’m tired of clicking links to see you give interviews in your regional jibberish. Get the Rosetta Stone. Phelps learned Mandarin for crying out loud.

The buyout. I get it, I get it, he has a 6 million dollar buyout clause in his contract and he was only getting paid 6 figures by DKV Jovenut. So I guess when he signed this contract he had a gun to his head? I guess some sweaty body man at DKV Jovenut forced the 15 year old kid to sign a contract that made no sense? Maybe his mom and dad couldn’t get out of the house that day to help him look over the contract because it was 54 degrees and they were concerned about frost bite. I’m not one of those bros at Princeton who plays lax and is a ripped double major in finance and econ, but I probably wouldn’t sign a contract with a company offering me 30k a year that said I could never leave the company, and that if I did I would have to pay 6 million dollars. Do I feel bad for Ricky? No.

Good news though, he has announced that he may come to the USA... or not. Thanks Ricky. I have a better idea though. Buy a studio with all the cash you have made over-seas and just jam out to “stairway to heaven” while you make sweet passes to guys who look like the grungy, Spanish version of Bruce Jenner for akward layups. (Jenner was and remains a national hero and sex icon). Jay Bilas and Chad Ford will cancel their subscriptions to Brazzers and pay 12.99$ a month for it. Get out Rubio, get the hell out. You disgrace the names of fellow Europeans: Vlade Divac, Manu Ginobilli and Arvydas Sabonis. You are #4 on the most despicable athlete list.

Honorable mention: Stewart Cink, I still hate you big Stew. Smile right through me. No, no kiss your claret jug again cink. Seriously we love that photo. Pat Forde (oh wait, Pat Forde is going to be #1 on this list), Steve Kerr (how many guys named Steve Kerr does it take to ruin a terrific organization? One). Steve Stricker (I hate the fact that your on the leaderboard all the time, get off my leaderboard stricker and stay off).

Best Commercial

Kind of random, but I was thinking about all the good "NBA: Where Amazing Happens" Commercials from the playoffs, and deemed that this was the best one

Sports Bros’ All Movie Basketball Team

We plan on crafting basketball, baseball, and football squads, and they’re all going to be tough because LSB have a strangely vast knowledge of sports movies. That being said, we’re going to dig much deeper and get far sketchier with our selections, so buckle in.

Head Coach: Norman Dale (“Hoosiers”) – We get it, the cliché character from perhaps the most famous of all sports films, but this is a no brainer. This guy takes some little hick team with like 4 ½ players (the ½ being the little kid, Ollie, who shoots the underhand foul shots), an alcoholic in Dennis Hopper for an assistant, and wins an Indiana state title. He’s tough, he’s fiery, and he practically invented the art of holding that rolled up notebook that probably has nothing written in it.

Assistant Coach: Billy Hoyle ("White Men Can't Jump") – A hustling street ball player in the movie, but I don’t think anyone ever questioned the fact that Hoyle would make the leap in to coaching. He ads a D’Antoni-esque, speedy, up-and-down, offensive mindset that’s the perfect foil to Dale’s grind-it-out, hard nosed, defensive style. Ying and Yang, duality of man, you get the idea.

PG: Calvin Cambridge (“Like Mike”): This was a tricky one to decide, but the kid has all of MJ’s ability because he found his kicks, so you can’t really argue with it. He had cornrows when it was fresh to have cornrows, Dirk sketchily asks him for his autograph, and he has an awesome sidekick in the cute kid with the glasses from “Jerry Maguire.” Lead us Bow Wow.

SG: Jesus Shuttlesworth (“He Got Game”): Banging Rosario Dawson, being recruited by everyone but Krzyzewski (not white enough), and gives it to Denzel in one-on-one. Oh yeah, and he’s Ray Allen so he’s as pure as they come. Seriously, shoot with him in NBA 2k9 and see if you can prevent spontaneous ejaculation.

SF: Jimmy Chitwood (“Hoosiers”): I know, I know, we GET IT, he’s a true 2, but do you know how hard it is to find a natural small forward in movies? No movies revolve around anyone who plays the 3. Also, you just can’t not start Chitwood; he’s Arguably the greatest movie basketball player to ever live. Listen, this isn’t Big 10 basketball; this isn’t Wisconsin trying to beat you 38-34. This is going to be a grossly talented, offensively loaded team that Norman Dale teaches to play defense. Argue with me on Jimmy at SF. No seriously, argue with me.

PF: Ty Crane (“Coach Carter”): “Guys if you’re going to use someone from this movie at least make it Junior Battle, he is such a hard worker out there and it’s so cute that he can’t read.” Shut up and get out. He’s big enough to play this position and guard this position but as versatile as they come in movies. Basically, he’s the fictional Lebron, but bigger and a lefty. When a reporter tries to compare him to Lebron in the film he responds with, “There’s only one Ty Crane.” I know what you’re thinking now: “He’s a cancer, his ego’s too big.” Norman Dale dealing with an oversized ego is sort of like Jenna Jameson dealing with a 10-inch dick: simple and straightforward.

C: Neon Boudreaux (“Blue Chips”): He learned basketball like a week before he got recruited and practically tore down the rim every time he dunked. I’m pretty sure Neon was averaging like 10 dunks and 10 blocks every game, not to mention the fact he’s more intimidating than Ray Lewis at the club. He also worked hard and got the SAT score he needed, and turned down any illegal gifts from the “friends of the program.” Nothing not to like about Boudreaux as your paint presence.

Bench: John Tucker (“John Tucker Must Die”): The guy gets ridiculous amounts of ass.

Bench: Antoine Tyler (“6^th Man”): This Washington Husky was unreal until he died of an on-court heart attack. Now he’s a ghost who helps out his team, what squad wouldn’t want that?

Bench: Kenny Tyler (“6^th Man”): So Antoine has someone to talk to.

Bench: Saleh (“The Air up There”): This kid grew up on the dirt courts of Africa. He’s raw, he’s athletic, and he appreciates the opportunity to play in America on this sort of stage.

Bench: Nate Wilson (“Eddie”): A good-hearted veteran who is going to show some of the younger guys what it means to be a first class athlete and, more importantly, a first class human being.

Manager: Troy Bolton ("High School Musical"): So there's someone to haze.

Jamal Wallace: (“Finding Forester”): A good player and a great writer. He will tell the tale of this team. Through the lens that is his writing we will learn about the players who became men, and the team that became family.

 

 

NBA Summer League Overview

There have been many impressive rookies so far in the NBA summer league that have been dazzling their coaches. Here are the top 5 rookies of the summer thus far:

1. Anthony Randolph (Warriors): Shut up, I know Randolph isn't a rookie, but he played only about 18 mpg last year (a stat which should double this year) and his summer league thus far is too good not to mention. Although the Don (Nelson (look at this belly)) didn't play him nearly enough (which led to Randolph occasionally crying on the bench), Randolph will most likely be the starting PF for the squad next season. He is averaging 26.8 ppg and 8.5 rpg in the summer league, and also had a very legit 42 point effort last week. He only averaged 8 ppg and 6 rpg last year, but considering he was only allowed to play 18 minutes a game, and that he is more experienced, I expect that his success in the summer league is not a fluke.
2. Blake Griffin (Clippers): Ok Blake, chill out, we know you're fresh. Clearly, he wasn't sure we knew, posting an aggressive 22 ppg and 11 rpg in summer league. It's always a concern that summer league numbers are inflated, but considering that the Clippers don't have many intimidating guys on their roster, it seems as though Blake will be getting a lot of touches. With Eric Gordon also being a promising young star, the Clippers look like they might have a nice future. But the re-singing of Coach Dunleavy may be bad for Blake/anyone on the Clippers. We'll see.
3. Stephen Curry (Warriors): Am I biased towards Curry and is putting him at number 3 a little high? Yes. Do I love Curry and would I take a bullet for him? Yes. Seriously, my hands shake just when I type his name. If he presented, I would s-.....you catch my drift. Anyway, Curry is putting up a fresh 20, 5, and 5. Not to mention close to 3 steals per game. I mean, he had 27 second half points against Sacramento, as well as the game winning shot (or layup) . Although Curry, Donnie Walsh, and I were all quite saddened when he did not drop to the Knicks, it seems as though Curry has already gotten quite used to the idea of playing for Golden State. With the promising potential of his teammate who is mentioned earlier in this post, it seems as though Curry may have a very nice rookie season stat-wise.
4. Jonny Flynn (T-Wolves): Flynn was probably pissed to go to Minnesota after the GM Kahn drafted standout point-guard Ricky Rubio, but Flynn has not let whatever feelings he might have effect him on the court. Jonny is posting a very nice 12 ppg, but a summer league 2nd 10.5 assists per game. Aside from Rubio, Flynn was the most skilled point guard in the draft, and may be an all-star in a year or two, despite his height. His quickness, passing, and handling are all way above average and I'm sure his teammates Jefferson and Love will be appreciative.
5. Tyreke Evans (Kings): Tyreke has had some very nice stats thus far (20, 7, and 4) which is a good sign for the Kings that he will be confident running the point. However, his lack of sharing the ball is definitely a bad sign. In his first game, he had only 2 assists (with more turnovers), and though he had much ease at attacking the basket, some inside the organization must be worried about his lack of selflessness, though they say he is just growing. Tyreke has very nice numbers, especially his surprisingly high amount of rebounds, but he will only be a triple-double threat if he learns to pass the ball.

Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors in Sports - #8 - Dwight Howard

Dwight Howard is #8 on the Most Eligible Bachelors List. Dwight is a gargantuan man, standing tall at nearly 7 feet (6'11). However, is incredible hulk size is deemed acceptable by most ladies, considering its vital to his success in the N.B.A., and the fact that it means his junk is inversely proportional to Mr. Mackey's. Dwight went straight to the N.B.A. out of college, which is a good thing from a girls standpoint because he's probably at their lower level than most guys intellectually.

Howard is only 23 and has an $80 million contract, as well as the nickname "Superman." He has been to the NBA Finals and was the starting center of the U.S.A. team that won the Gold Medal in the Olympics. Factor this in with the fact that he has a great smile, a great sense of humor, and is a devoted Christian (which is a big turn-on for most girls). Ladies are going to have to wear some large high heels to not look like a midget next to him; however, I think he has enough things going for him that ladies will deal with his massiveness. Dwight Howard: successful, strong, young, good-looking, funny, #8 on Sports Most Eligible Bachelors.

As Good as Youtube Gets

   

This is the state championship game from J.J. Redick's senior year in high school. I love this man. He parties, he's cocky, and he has unlimited range (my three favorite traits in a human being). Don't be surprised if he shows up on the "Most Eligible Bachelors in Sports" list either.

Ricky Rubio Being Awesome

If you are not a Rubio believer, watch this video. Watch from about 1:50 to the 3:00 minute mark. He's too good. There's one play you see in there that might be the best combination of dribbling and passing I have ever seen.


*Note: the music on the mixtape doesn't feel right so I recommend muting it and putting something else from your iTunes as background music - really enhances the experience

The Five Most Underrated 2009 NBA Draftees

1. Terrence Williams (Nets). One of the best athletes in the draft, can defend very well and is a great passer. As Jay Bilas would say, he is "freakishly quick and abundantly lanky." More importantly, he wore a pink backpack around the Louisville campus, and he once told me that I looked like I was in a boy band (true story).

2. Brandon Jennings (Bucks): Was late to the draft and didn’t play in America last year, both of which make me like him less as a person, but not as a player.

3. Tyler Hansborough (Pacers): No one hated the nickname or the player “Psycho-T” more than me during his UNC tenure, but with solid physical attributes and a solid showing in his first summer league game (17 points), he seems promising as a role player. You would usually like a little more than a role player at the 13^th pick, but that’s the 2009 NBA Draft for you.

4. DaJuan Blair (Spurs): Always loved him at Pitt despite the fact he was on one of Georgetown’s biggest rivals. Tough, smart, physical, and played in the big east – could be a lot of value for the spurs if they’re trying to make a run.

5. Taylor Griffin (Suns): Just kidding, Taylor Griffin is going to suck in the NBA and was drafted solely because his last name is Griffin and he has a brother who isn’t too shabby. At least Taylor isn’t as ugly as the younger Griffin, so he’s got that going for him. But expect him to be a career NBDLer.

David Kahn: The Antichrist...As Well as Some Other Draft Thoughts

PINNO - I know the 2009 NBA Draft happened a few weeks ago, but considering it was: on my birthday, on the same day that Michael Jackson (and Farrah Fawcett) died, as well as the fact that it was the worst draft in terms of talent since 2000 – it still has some relevance and deserves to be discussed. Although this draft sucked in terms of talent, it still had as many plot twists as Kerry Kittles has career goals. If you want to read something a lot more educated and wittier than this post regarding the same subject, I highly recommend you read Bill Simmons's NBA Draft Diary:

Ok so the draft. This was a seven-pick draft. After the top seven guys, there is no one who catches my attention as an all-star; the Knicks getting the 8^th pick could not be more fitting or irking. We all knew the Knicks were going to get screwed, too. There was no surprise. It makes too much sense for the Knicks to get the 6^th or 7^th pick in the lottery so they can draft Curry, bring LeBron to NY in 2010, then win a Championship. Perhaps that prediction is extreme, regardless: the Warriors draft Curry (now Anthony Randolph can share a crying companion on the bench, Monte Ellis) and the Knicks get the boring, black version of David Lee. This is not Donnie Walsh’s fault, however. Jordan Hill was the best player available at 8. In most drafts he would be mid-first round, but in a draft when you have a player, Jrue Holliday, with 8 ppg as well as more turnovers than assists per game, projected to go top 10, this draft is clearly a different ballgame. (note: Jrue Holliday ended up falling down to the Sixers, or 76ers or whatever variation of "six" they call themselves, at the 17^th pick) (another note: The spelling of “Jrue” from “Drew” is something that Mrs. Holliday had to do after losing a bet to one of her friends that she could eat two buckets of KFC in under 90 seconds). Anyway, here’s whose fault it is that the Knicks got screwed, and I promise the title of this post will become relevant: it’s the fault of Sam Presti, Geoff Petrie, and my least favorite man in sports, David Kahn.

The three best players from this draft and in this order were Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio, and Stephen Curry (honorable mention: Johnny Flynn). Ever since the Laker’s awkward/retarded cousin got the first pick in the lottery, everyone, including all involved in Derek Huff’s boat trip in “Step-Brothers,” knew they were taking Griffin. Fine. Griffin’s gone, and fine, Rubio does not want to play in Memphis so the Grizzlies select Dikembe Mutombo negative 2.0. But now, Sam Presti, you have the chance to have the most exciting team in the NBA. Kevin Durant is the most underrated player in the league and is a top-3 talent. Jeff Greene is a very solid player who is only getting better. You already have sort of a position quagmire with these two players cause they’re both small forwards – too big to play SG and too skilled/skinny to play PF. You also have a natural SG who is playing point and does not really know how to pass. And just waiting to be picked by Presti is Ricky Rubio. The most exciting international player of my lifetime comes along, just old enough to buy porn (although I doubt he as ever needed to use his own hand to pleasure himself. Ever. Such a God.), would make the Thunder exciting, would make Durant want to stay, but no - Presti picks James Harden. Maybe Presti is a fashion guru and thought Rubio was dressed a little too conservatively at the draft, while in contrast; Harden had the most fly outfit by far, check it out. But seriously, Harden is a good player, but you don’t need him! Your team doesn’t need more shot takers, it needs a distributer! I cant hate on this pick as much as I’d like to, cause Harden is a G, and a lefty, and rocks number 13, as well as an old school beard. But still, retarded.

Ahhhhh Geoff Petrie, how nice of you to join us. So instead of taking Rubio, you take a 19-year old, with some questionable personal issues, who isn’t a great athlete. He can’t jump (and he’s black, definition of anomaly), he can’t shoot (27.4% 3pt shooting at Memphis), he’s not a natural PG (which is what they drafted him as), yet they think he is more valuable than Rubio. I just don’t get it. Rubio is just too good of a fit. Presti and Petrie must have been like “hmmmm, if I draft Rubio my team would be a lot better and exciting, but he seems too perfect…yeah I’ll just take the solid shooting guard who will never be an all-star.” This is a perfect sequitur to the primary subject of this post: David fucking Kahn.

David Kahn is not only the antichrist in relative terms to the NBA draft, but I believe he may be the antichrist in absolute terms, meaning the actual antichrist to God. David Kahn is the guy who you don’t feel badly not holding the door open for. David Kahn is the guy who if you went to a baseball game with him and two other friends, you would do everything in your power not to sit next to him. David Kahn is the guy who needs no introduction besides: “David Kahn, the worst thing to happen to basketball since Kwame Brown.” (too soon to rip on Kwame? don’t know why I said Kwame Brown, I just hate him). So why do I hate David Kahn so much? A lot of reasons:

1. He’s an idiot who has no right to be a GM in the NBA. Here is his résumé: NBDL ('05-'09): Founder Southwest Basketball; MLB ('03-'04): Oregon Stadium Campaign; Indiana Pacers ('95-'04): GM ('98-'02); Proskauer Rose LLP ('93-'95): Associate; NBC Sports ('90-'95): Consultant, NBA Showtime; Portland Oregonian ('84-'89): NBA sports writer. Like what the fuck? Honestly? If I was President of the Minnesota Chafe-Wolves, I’d rather turn Brian Cardinal into player/GM than hire David Kahn. Kahn must have started cracking up when they called him to tell him he got the job. He was probably busy filling out a Jonny Rockets restaurant application when he got the call. He then invited over the one friend he has, an imaginary friend by the name of Natas (Satan backwards), and they played a game of chess to celebrate in which Kahn lost.

2. He’s ugly and pale

3. He fired the saint that was and is Kevin McHale.

4. *Most important reason why I hate him: what he did in the draft. Rubio does not want to play for Minnesota and he knows that. With two picks and Rubio still there, however, you can’t pass him up. So he takes Rubio. Fine. Rubio is incredible and its incredible to me that he dropped all the way to 5. So you have the best point guard in the draft. If you select Curry with 6, you have: Rubio, Curry, Jefferson and Love. What I think to be four very legit starters and potentially three out of those four are all-stars. But again, that makes too much sense, so Kahn drafts Johnny Flynn! Johnny Flynn?!?! I love Johnny Flynn, but you just drafted Rubio. Why get Flynn? All this does is piss off Rubio even more, leave Flynn confused, leaves me upset and angry, and Kahn is still pondering why he doesn’t get any pussy….Flynn is the second best point guard in the draft, but still, why try to be the “everyone shut up, even though I know nothing about basketball I know what I’m doing! Ok??” guy and just select Curry to make your team good. Now Rubio wants to go back to Spain, Flynn is in a situation that he hates although he’ll never say it cause he’s the man, and you just fucked up the natural order of things. It’s not very relevant that he selected his third point guard in as many picks with Ty Lawson with at the 18^th pick because he traded it to Denver for a future 1^st rounder, a move I was indifferent about. Rubio is now talking about going back to Spain for a year or maybe two, and guess what? Kahn doesn’t care. Actually, he likes the idea. Paraphrased, he basically said: “yeah that was my plan all along, we can have Flynn play point guard for the next two years while Rubio goes to Spain and finishes his contract so we don’t have to spend a few million dollars, then when he comes back, he’s only 20! We’re not going to win a championship in the next two years, so Flynn is our point guard of the present and Rubio is our point guard of the future.” Ok. First of all, no one wants to wait to see Rubio play in two years, we want him now goddamit. More importantly, does Kahn think that Fynn is going to retire at the age of 22 or something? What happens in two years when Flynn is tearing it up and Rubio comes back? Battle it out for the starting spot? Will David Kahn even be alive in two years? I hope not. Also, what kind of confidence are you giving your team if you say that for the next two years you’re not even trying to win a championship? The Celtics went from literally the worst team in the league to winning a championship in one year due to good General Managing. And that must make Flynn feel good, ‘oh so I should feel secure for two years and then I probably will be a backup or get traded.’ (love Flynn btw, he is the only reason, besides a few Andy Rautins shots, that Syracuse beat UConn in that epic 6 OT game). Anyway, to be honest, if Rubio is traded to a team with a good market I’ll be happier, still not satisfied until Kahn is sent to the guillotine, though.

5. In a recent ballhype article, he is described as “a toxic blend of Isiah Thomas and Chris Wallace.” That actually hurts to read. Those are the two worst GM’s of my generation, bar none.

….So yes, those are my reasons for hating David Kahn. I hope everyone agrees with me on his overall sucking as a person and a GM. The NBA draft is still always a good time though, really upsetting about Curry not going to the Knicks, but LeBron is not staying with Cleveland after this season so we’ll see what Donnie can do.