PINNO - I know the 2009 NBA Draft happened a few weeks ago, but considering it was: on my birthday, on the same day that Michael Jackson (and Farrah Fawcett) died, as well as the fact that it was the worst draft in terms of talent since 2000 – it still has some relevance and deserves to be discussed. Although this draft sucked in terms of talent, it still had as many plot twists as Kerry Kittles has career goals. If you want to read something a lot more educated and wittier than this post regarding the same subject, I highly recommend you read Bill Simmons's NBA Draft Diary:
Ok so the draft. This was a seven-pick draft. After the top seven guys, there is no one who catches my attention as an all-star; the Knicks getting the 8th pick could not be more fitting or irking. We all knew the Knicks were going to get screwed, too. There was no surprise. It makes too much sense for the Knicks to get the 6th or 7th pick in the lottery so they can draft Curry, bring LeBron to NY in 2010, then win a Championship. Perhaps that prediction is extreme, regardless: the Warriors draft Curry (now Anthony Randolph can share a crying companion on the bench, Monte Ellis) and the Knicks get the boring, black version of David Lee. This is not Donnie Walsh’s fault, however. Jordan Hill was the best player available at 8. In most drafts he would be mid-first round, but in a draft when you have a player, Jrue Holliday, with 8 ppg as well as more turnovers than assists per game, projected to go top 10, this draft is clearly a different ballgame. (note: Jrue Holliday ended up falling down to the Sixers, or 76ers or whatever variation of "six" they call themselves, at the 17th pick) (another note: The spelling of “Jrue” from “Drew” is something that Mrs. Holliday had to do after losing a bet to one of her friends that she could eat two buckets of KFC in under 90 seconds). Anyway, here’s whose fault it is that the Knicks got screwed, and I promise the title of this post will become relevant: it’s the fault of Sam Presti, Geoff Petrie, and my least favorite man in sports, David Kahn.
The three best players from this draft and in this order were Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio, and Stephen Curry (honorable mention: Johnny Flynn). Ever since the Laker’s awkward/retarded cousin got the first pick in the lottery, everyone, including all involved in Derek Huff’s boat trip in “Step-Brothers,” knew they were taking Griffin. Fine. Griffin’s gone, and fine, Rubio does not want to play in Memphis so the Grizzlies select Dikembe Mutombo negative 2.0. But now, Sam Presti, you have the chance to have the most exciting team in the NBA. Kevin Durant is the most underrated player in the league and is a top-3 talent. Jeff Greene is a very solid player who is only getting better. You already have sort of a position quagmire with these two players cause they’re both small forwards – too big to play SG and too skilled/skinny to play PF. You also have a natural SG who is playing point and does not really know how to pass. And just waiting to be picked by Presti is Ricky Rubio. The most exciting international player of my lifetime comes along, just old enough to buy porn (although I doubt he as ever needed to use his own hand to pleasure himself. Ever. Such a God.), would make the Thunder exciting, would make Durant want to stay, but no - Presti picks James Harden. Maybe Presti is a fashion guru and thought Rubio was dressed a little too conservatively at the draft, while in contrast; Harden had the most fly outfit by far, check it out. But seriously, Harden is a good player, but you don’t need him! Your team doesn’t need more shot takers, it needs a distributer! I cant hate on this pick as much as I’d like to, cause Harden is a G, and a lefty, and rocks number 13, as well as an old school beard. But still, retarded.
Ahhhhh Geoff Petrie, how nice of you to join us. So instead of taking Rubio, you take a 19-year old, with some questionable personal issues, who isn’t a great athlete. He can’t jump (and he’s black, definition of anomaly), he can’t shoot (27.4% 3pt shooting at Memphis), he’s not a natural PG (which is what they drafted him as), yet they think he is more valuable than Rubio. I just don’t get it. Rubio is just too good of a fit. Presti and Petrie must have been like “hmmmm, if I draft Rubio my team would be a lot better and exciting, but he seems too perfect…yeah I’ll just take the solid shooting guard who will never be an all-star.” This is a perfect sequitur to the primary subject of this post: David fucking Kahn.
David Kahn is not only the antichrist in relative terms to the NBA draft, but I believe he may be the antichrist in absolute terms, meaning the actual antichrist to God. David Kahn is the guy who you don’t feel badly not holding the door open for. David Kahn is the guy who if you went to a baseball game with him and two other friends, you would do everything in your power not to sit next to him. David Kahn is the guy who needs no introduction besides: “David Kahn, the worst thing to happen to basketball since Kwame Brown.” (too soon to rip on Kwame? don’t know why I said Kwame Brown, I just hate him). So why do I hate David Kahn so much? A lot of reasons:
1. He’s an idiot who has no right to be a GM in the NBA. Here is his résumé: NBDL ('05-'09): Founder Southwest Basketball; MLB ('03-'04): Oregon Stadium Campaign; Indiana Pacers ('95-'04): GM ('98-'02); Proskauer Rose LLP ('93-'95): Associate; NBC Sports ('90-'95): Consultant, NBA Showtime; Portland Oregonian ('84-'89): NBA sports writer. Like what the fuck? Honestly? If I was President of the Minnesota Chafe-Wolves, I’d rather turn Brian Cardinal into player/GM than hire David Kahn. Kahn must have started cracking up when they called him to tell him he got the job. He was probably busy filling out a Jonny Rockets restaurant application when he got the call. He then invited over the one friend he has, an imaginary friend by the name of Natas (Satan backwards), and they played a game of chess to celebrate in which Kahn lost.
2. He’s ugly and pale
3. He fired the saint that was and is Kevin McHale.
4. *Most important reason why I hate him: what he did in the draft. Rubio does not want to play for Minnesota and he knows that. With two picks and Rubio still there, however, you can’t pass him up. So he takes Rubio. Fine. Rubio is incredible and its incredible to me that he dropped all the way to 5. So you have the best point guard in the draft. If you select Curry with 6, you have: Rubio, Curry, Jefferson and Love. What I think to be four very legit starters and potentially three out of those four are all-stars. But again, that makes too much sense, so Kahn drafts Johnny Flynn! Johnny Flynn?!?! I love Johnny Flynn, but you just drafted Rubio. Why get Flynn? All this does is piss off Rubio even more, leave Flynn confused, leaves me upset and angry, and Kahn is still pondering why he doesn’t get any pussy….Flynn is the second best point guard in the draft, but still, why try to be the “everyone shut up, even though I know nothing about basketball I know what I’m doing! Ok??” guy and just select Curry to make your team good. Now Rubio wants to go back to Spain, Flynn is in a situation that he hates although he’ll never say it cause he’s the man, and you just fucked up the natural order of things. It’s not very relevant that he selected his third point guard in as many picks with Ty Lawson with at the 18th pick because he traded it to Denver for a future 1st rounder, a move I was indifferent about. Rubio is now talking about going back to Spain for a year or maybe two, and guess what? Kahn doesn’t care. Actually, he likes the idea. Paraphrased, he basically said: “yeah that was my plan all along, we can have Flynn play point guard for the next two years while Rubio goes to Spain and finishes his contract so we don’t have to spend a few million dollars, then when he comes back, he’s only 20! We’re not going to win a championship in the next two years, so Flynn is our point guard of the present and Rubio is our point guard of the future.” Ok. First of all, no one wants to wait to see Rubio play in two years, we want him now goddamit. More importantly, does Kahn think that Fynn is going to retire at the age of 22 or something? What happens in two years when Flynn is tearing it up and Rubio comes back? Battle it out for the starting spot? Will David Kahn even be alive in two years? I hope not. Also, what kind of confidence are you giving your team if you say that for the next two years you’re not even trying to win a championship? The Celtics went from literally the worst team in the league to winning a championship in one year due to good General Managing. And that must make Flynn feel good, ‘oh so I should feel secure for two years and then I probably will be a backup or get traded.’ (love Flynn btw, he is the only reason, besides a few Andy Rautins shots, that Syracuse beat UConn in that epic 6 OT game). Anyway, to be honest, if Rubio is traded to a team with a good market I’ll be happier, still not satisfied until Kahn is sent to the guillotine, though.
5. In a recent ballhype article, he is described as “a toxic blend of Isiah Thomas and Chris Wallace.” That actually hurts to read. Those are the two worst GM’s of my generation, bar none.
….So yes, those are my reasons for hating David Kahn. I hope everyone agrees with me on his overall sucking as a person and a GM. The NBA draft is still always a good time though, really upsetting about Curry not going to the Knicks, but LeBron is not staying with Cleveland after this season so we’ll see what Donnie can do.
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