BUREY - The final rosters for the MLB All-Star teams were announced last week, and so consequently its necessary that I go through each lineup and berate or agree with the fans’ selection for each squad. Today’s analysis will examine the AL, whose sole mission is winning home field advantage for the Yankees in the World Series this October.
Because I am an egalitarian, enthusiastic, and unbiased fan of the game, I maxed out my voting capabilities in the first week by selecting every Yankees starter at every position, which is, undoubtedly the lineup with the best chance to beat any team on any given day (of any possible combination of players in the majors). However, although only three players in pinstripes were selected this year (a pathetically low number), I still respect the rest of the AL’s squad as elected by the voters. They didn’t, with a few glaring exceptions, do that shitty of a job this year. I think home field for the Yankees is in good hands.
C – Joe Mauer, Twins – quite simply, Mauer is a man’s man. He’s a hometown boy, loyal, damn good looking, plays great D, and happens to be batting pretty close to .400 (.384). No catcher in the bigs come close to matching his all around numbers (14 HR, 45 RBIs). And if anyone read the SI article on him the other day you’ll respect how he left last year’s All-Star weekend early to go back to his self-made log cabin outside of Minneapolis (that has a bowling alley and a batting cage, by the way).
1B – Mark Teixiera, Yanks – Yes. Big fuckin’ Tex. A true class act at first base and the definition of an All-Star (even though this is his first selection). He’s worth every penny the Yanks paid for him. He plays great D, bats third and comes up with big hits in big spots. Classic middle of the order guy. I would love to see him get his 21st homer (he’s been on 20 forever), but I think everyone can respect how he hit a broken bat bomb at Yankee, which begs the question: jet stream or hairy chest?
2B – Dustin Pedroia, Sox – Yeah, not really. Like we get it, you won the MVP. But seriously you are 5’ 1” and are clearly compensating for having the smallest penis in the league. I could berate Pedroia all day about his general cockboy-ness, but the numbers don’t lie. He doesn’t deserve to start this game. He’s batting .290 with 3 homers, 37 RBI and 14 SB. Those numbies don’t even make him a top 5 2B. If we look at, oh let’s say, Robinson Cano (.305, 13, 45, 4) we can clearly see how he is just not having a great year. Figgins, Aaron Hill, Brian Roberts, and Ian Kinsler are all playing better than him. Unfortunately, apparently its the “chill” thing to like the Sox these days so I bet every prep school attending, Marthas Vinyard going, DMB listening, wanna be alternative bro tried to show their allegiance to this “scrappy underdog” by voting for all Sox. God I hate Boston.
3B – Evan Longoria, Rays – Longoria is kinda a beast. Although we all know A-Rod would be starting if he hadn’t gotten injured, Longoria is the real deal. Not only that, but his chin strap Italiano beard look just embodies all that a Tampa Bay Ray should be. Dude probably runs every Tampa area strip club. He’s a franchise player. I’ll put out on over under of 3 years before he’s playing some other infield position for the Yankees.
SS – Derek Jeter, Yanks – And finally, all of earth's creatures can live together in perfect harmony. The AL should simply reserve the spot for Jeter for the rest of his career, kind of like the Yankees plan to play without a shortstop after he r*****s (don’t say the r-word about Derek). He has the best numbers of all AL SS, batting .313 with a surprising 10 HR, 35 RBI and 17 SB. More importantly, he is the league leader is total votes, mystique, intangibles, good-looks, bi-racialness, and bitches slayed. Look up all-around stud in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of Derek. I’d let Derek date my mom. If I had a sister, I’d be cool with him fucking her brains out (I’d probably listen by the door). I plan to cry the day he r*****s. And he’s having a great year. Seriously argue with me, seriously.
OF – Jason Bay, Sox, Ichiro, Mariners, Josh Hamilton, Rangers – I was about to throw the hammer down on Jason Bay, but then I realized that 71 is a shitload of RBIs, and the dude has 21 bombs. As much as I hate to admit it, the Sox lucked out on this guy. He’s made Boston fans forget about Manny faster than people forgot that Blessed Union of Souls has more songs than “She Likes Me for Me” (do they?). Ichiro is no surprise. Just like always, the Emperor of Japan issued his annual edict demanding every citizen to vote for him 25 times at the risk of doing dishonor unto their families. That should have made his total 3,182,210,400 votes, but I think some people held off this year. Looks like there might be some seppuku going on. Ok, as for Josh Hamilton, I really have no explanation. This is a great travesty. I was at the home run derby last year, and yes, it was cool to see Hamilton put balls through the UTZ chips sign in right but a lot of people forget that after that round, his year took an immediate plunge. He LOST the HR derby, finished with 32 homers and 130 RBIs (I’m pretty sure he was on pace for 89 and 210), and barely batted .300. This year, he’s played 37 games and is hitting .263 with 6 homers and 24 RBIs. Just to compare my boy Gay-Rod is hitting .246 with 14 homers and 44 RBIs in only 40 more at bats (interesting fact: A-Rod’s middle name is Emmanuel). The point is, fans are meatheads and Hamilton has no business starting (or playing) in the years’ game. Has anyone heard of Carl Crawford?
I really don’t feel like talking about all the pitchers, so I’m just gonna comment on who should be the starter and main reliever for each team.
SP – Zach Greinke, Royals – 10 wins playing for the Royals, an ERA of 2, WHIP of 1.05 and 120 k’s in 121.1 innings. We’ve learned two things about Zach Greinke this year: 1) He’s a really good pitcher and 2) He’s a psycho. Did anyone read the SI article about this guy? He’s a classic underachiever not because of his work ethic or ability to cope with the pressure, but simply because early in his career he didn’t like throwing hard. For some reason (maybe he finally killed a man or something), he decided that he wanted to throw mid-nineties this year and no one can touch him. So, if he doesn’t decide to start trying to pick off fans in the crowd when he starts the All-Star game this guy is absolutely a deserving candidate. He reminds me of Brandon Frasier in that movie The Scout, Greinke being that pitcher who throws it 100 MPH every time but has major mental problems. Anyway, he ends up striking out everybody in the WS game he starts on three pitches, and nobody (except for the last batter) fouls one off. Yeah, I’d say he has that kind of stuff.
RP – Mariano Rivera, Yanks – “No dude, Papelbon’s actually better!” Shut the fuck up. No one can touch Mo. Ever. The dude is on fire right now. Got his 500th save and first career RBI in the same game this year (nice pitching, K-Rod) and is 21-22 with saves this season. On those rare occasions where Mo does fuck up a situation, somewhere an angel cries. It’s clearly not the natural order of things. He’s been throwing one pitch his entire life and still nobody can hit it. After 15 year he’s still number one in the game. That’s the equivalent of Gangta’s Paradise by Coolio still being the number one song in the country today. ‘Nuff said.
NL tomorrow.
Because I am an egalitarian, enthusiastic, and unbiased fan of the game, I maxed out my voting capabilities in the first week by selecting every Yankees starter at every position, which is, undoubtedly the lineup with the best chance to beat any team on any given day (of any possible combination of players in the majors). However, although only three players in pinstripes were selected this year (a pathetically low number), I still respect the rest of the AL’s squad as elected by the voters. They didn’t, with a few glaring exceptions, do that shitty of a job this year. I think home field for the Yankees is in good hands.
C – Joe Mauer, Twins – quite simply, Mauer is a man’s man. He’s a hometown boy, loyal, damn good looking, plays great D, and happens to be batting pretty close to .400 (.384). No catcher in the bigs come close to matching his all around numbers (14 HR, 45 RBIs). And if anyone read the SI article on him the other day you’ll respect how he left last year’s All-Star weekend early to go back to his self-made log cabin outside of Minneapolis (that has a bowling alley and a batting cage, by the way).
1B – Mark Teixiera, Yanks – Yes. Big fuckin’ Tex. A true class act at first base and the definition of an All-Star (even though this is his first selection). He’s worth every penny the Yanks paid for him. He plays great D, bats third and comes up with big hits in big spots. Classic middle of the order guy. I would love to see him get his 21st homer (he’s been on 20 forever), but I think everyone can respect how he hit a broken bat bomb at Yankee, which begs the question: jet stream or hairy chest?
2B – Dustin Pedroia, Sox – Yeah, not really. Like we get it, you won the MVP. But seriously you are 5’ 1” and are clearly compensating for having the smallest penis in the league. I could berate Pedroia all day about his general cockboy-ness, but the numbers don’t lie. He doesn’t deserve to start this game. He’s batting .290 with 3 homers, 37 RBI and 14 SB. Those numbies don’t even make him a top 5 2B. If we look at, oh let’s say, Robinson Cano (.305, 13, 45, 4) we can clearly see how he is just not having a great year. Figgins, Aaron Hill, Brian Roberts, and Ian Kinsler are all playing better than him. Unfortunately, apparently its the “chill” thing to like the Sox these days so I bet every prep school attending, Marthas Vinyard going, DMB listening, wanna be alternative bro tried to show their allegiance to this “scrappy underdog” by voting for all Sox. God I hate Boston.
3B – Evan Longoria, Rays – Longoria is kinda a beast. Although we all know A-Rod would be starting if he hadn’t gotten injured, Longoria is the real deal. Not only that, but his chin strap Italiano beard look just embodies all that a Tampa Bay Ray should be. Dude probably runs every Tampa area strip club. He’s a franchise player. I’ll put out on over under of 3 years before he’s playing some other infield position for the Yankees.
SS – Derek Jeter, Yanks – And finally, all of earth's creatures can live together in perfect harmony. The AL should simply reserve the spot for Jeter for the rest of his career, kind of like the Yankees plan to play without a shortstop after he r*****s (don’t say the r-word about Derek). He has the best numbers of all AL SS, batting .313 with a surprising 10 HR, 35 RBI and 17 SB. More importantly, he is the league leader is total votes, mystique, intangibles, good-looks, bi-racialness, and bitches slayed. Look up all-around stud in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of Derek. I’d let Derek date my mom. If I had a sister, I’d be cool with him fucking her brains out (I’d probably listen by the door). I plan to cry the day he r*****s. And he’s having a great year. Seriously argue with me, seriously.
OF – Jason Bay, Sox, Ichiro, Mariners, Josh Hamilton, Rangers – I was about to throw the hammer down on Jason Bay, but then I realized that 71 is a shitload of RBIs, and the dude has 21 bombs. As much as I hate to admit it, the Sox lucked out on this guy. He’s made Boston fans forget about Manny faster than people forgot that Blessed Union of Souls has more songs than “She Likes Me for Me” (do they?). Ichiro is no surprise. Just like always, the Emperor of Japan issued his annual edict demanding every citizen to vote for him 25 times at the risk of doing dishonor unto their families. That should have made his total 3,182,210,400 votes, but I think some people held off this year. Looks like there might be some seppuku going on. Ok, as for Josh Hamilton, I really have no explanation. This is a great travesty. I was at the home run derby last year, and yes, it was cool to see Hamilton put balls through the UTZ chips sign in right but a lot of people forget that after that round, his year took an immediate plunge. He LOST the HR derby, finished with 32 homers and 130 RBIs (I’m pretty sure he was on pace for 89 and 210), and barely batted .300. This year, he’s played 37 games and is hitting .263 with 6 homers and 24 RBIs. Just to compare my boy Gay-Rod is hitting .246 with 14 homers and 44 RBIs in only 40 more at bats (interesting fact: A-Rod’s middle name is Emmanuel). The point is, fans are meatheads and Hamilton has no business starting (or playing) in the years’ game. Has anyone heard of Carl Crawford?
I really don’t feel like talking about all the pitchers, so I’m just gonna comment on who should be the starter and main reliever for each team.
SP – Zach Greinke, Royals – 10 wins playing for the Royals, an ERA of 2, WHIP of 1.05 and 120 k’s in 121.1 innings. We’ve learned two things about Zach Greinke this year: 1) He’s a really good pitcher and 2) He’s a psycho. Did anyone read the SI article about this guy? He’s a classic underachiever not because of his work ethic or ability to cope with the pressure, but simply because early in his career he didn’t like throwing hard. For some reason (maybe he finally killed a man or something), he decided that he wanted to throw mid-nineties this year and no one can touch him. So, if he doesn’t decide to start trying to pick off fans in the crowd when he starts the All-Star game this guy is absolutely a deserving candidate. He reminds me of Brandon Frasier in that movie The Scout, Greinke being that pitcher who throws it 100 MPH every time but has major mental problems. Anyway, he ends up striking out everybody in the WS game he starts on three pitches, and nobody (except for the last batter) fouls one off. Yeah, I’d say he has that kind of stuff.
RP – Mariano Rivera, Yanks – “No dude, Papelbon’s actually better!” Shut the fuck up. No one can touch Mo. Ever. The dude is on fire right now. Got his 500th save and first career RBI in the same game this year (nice pitching, K-Rod) and is 21-22 with saves this season. On those rare occasions where Mo does fuck up a situation, somewhere an angel cries. It’s clearly not the natural order of things. He’s been throwing one pitch his entire life and still nobody can hit it. After 15 year he’s still number one in the game. That’s the equivalent of Gangta’s Paradise by Coolio still being the number one song in the country today. ‘Nuff said.
NL tomorrow.
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