Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelor's in Sports - #5 - Matt Leinart

If this list was made four years ago, former Southern Call stud, Matt Leinart, would undoubtedly be #1. However, the tide has slightly shifted for Matt because he is not the starting NFL QB stud that he envisioned himself to be. His former backup at USC, Matt Cassel (who didn't even play a down at USC), recently got a multi-million dollar contract and is a starter for an NFL franchise. Unfortunately for Matt, Kurt Warner will not die due to his intensely egregious faith in God, so Matt has been riding the bench for quite some time. However, this is not to say that Leinart still doesn't retain some freshness.

Matt slayed 83% of the USC population his senior year (true), while his only academic concern was Ballet-Dance class. Out of college, he was hoping to be in a big city to continue his sexual prowess, but instead was shoved into Phoenix. Matt has been reaping the benefits, however, as the University of Arizona girls make constant trips over to his 445 Hundley Drive located an astonishing 50 minutes from the stadium. Matt will get his chance to be a starter one day, and after he gets his multi-mill, he might be an unstoppable force in whatever county he lands in.

Because there are so many great ones, a few separate links to Leinart slaying:

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Top 5 Most Detestable Figures in Sports - #4 - Ricky Rubio

“Bro have you seen his filthy youtube tapes with that sick entire "Free Bird" song in the background?” “Bro he is definitely the next Pistol Pete, his hair totally flows. Check out his other grainy footage, this one is to a Van Halen Asher Roth mashup!”

I will begin by noting the following: Do I believe that Rubio is talented? I do. Do I think he has potential to be a star in the USA? I think its possible. Did I hype this kid like a drooling school girl during the Olympics? I won’t deny it.

In the last calendar year my feelings for Rubio have changed dramatically. I now despise the young Spaniard. He disrespected the entire NBA during the pre-draft process; he continues to disrespect NBA fans, David Kahn (even though Kahn himself is a world class cock-boy), and his future teammates on the Minnesota Timberwolves. We are supposed to believe he is the greatest passer and most unselfish player since John Stockton (see: Hornacek, Jeff) yet everything he has done to this point points to the fact that he is a selfish, coddledm prick (granted with really nice hair).

Look up his statistics in Europe. I’m not impressed. Abused by Brandon Jennings in a Euroleague matchup? He was. Dominate the Olympics? He was the fifth best player on the Spanish team and did nothing against the USA. Juan Carlos Navarro was twice the player Rubio was in the Gold Medal game. How did Rubio do in the pre-draft combine? How did he measure? What was his vertical? How did he perform in 5 on 5 drills? Oh that’s right. He did none of these things. He was scheduled for a grueling workout against some cones and a few other inanimate objects in Sacramento but caught a questionable, sleazy, sketchy, dubious fever the night before. When asked about Minnesota he said he didn’t want to play there because “my mother hates the cold weather.” Grow a sack Ricky. Tell your mom to buy some bronzer. Buy her a north face and get out of my face, seriously, oh wait, nice behind the back dribble. Shut up Rubio. By the way we speak English in this country. I’m tired of clicking links to see you give interviews in your regional jibberish. Get the Rosetta Stone. Phelps learned Mandarin for crying out loud.

The buyout. I get it, I get it, he has a 6 million dollar buyout clause in his contract and he was only getting paid 6 figures by DKV Jovenut. So I guess when he signed this contract he had a gun to his head? I guess some sweaty body man at DKV Jovenut forced the 15 year old kid to sign a contract that made no sense? Maybe his mom and dad couldn’t get out of the house that day to help him look over the contract because it was 54 degrees and they were concerned about frost bite. I’m not one of those bros at Princeton who plays lax and is a ripped double major in finance and econ, but I probably wouldn’t sign a contract with a company offering me 30k a year that said I could never leave the company, and that if I did I would have to pay 6 million dollars. Do I feel bad for Ricky? No.

Good news though, he has announced that he may come to the USA... or not. Thanks Ricky. I have a better idea though. Buy a studio with all the cash you have made over-seas and just jam out to “stairway to heaven” while you make sweet passes to guys who look like the grungy, Spanish version of Bruce Jenner for akward layups. (Jenner was and remains a national hero and sex icon). Jay Bilas and Chad Ford will cancel their subscriptions to Brazzers and pay 12.99$ a month for it. Get out Rubio, get the hell out. You disgrace the names of fellow Europeans: Vlade Divac, Manu Ginobilli and Arvydas Sabonis. You are #4 on the most despicable athlete list.

Honorable mention: Stewart Cink, I still hate you big Stew. Smile right through me. No, no kiss your claret jug again cink. Seriously we love that photo. Pat Forde (oh wait, Pat Forde is going to be #1 on this list), Steve Kerr (how many guys named Steve Kerr does it take to ruin a terrific organization? One). Steve Stricker (I hate the fact that your on the leaderboard all the time, get off my leaderboard stricker and stay off).

Weekend Round-Up: Baseball Trade Deadline Update

We're about 100 games into this years' MLB season, which is usually a pretty good time of year to take stock of where everybody is at, whose gonna win each division, and some of the biggest surprises and disappointments of this year. With the trade deadline just passing, we're gonna go over what's going to happen in the season's final third of games.

AL East - New York Yankees - I'll admit, biased pick. To be honest, I have no way of determining what's going to happen in this race because everyone and their mom knows that it will come down to a few games at the end of the year, decided by one bad series by either team. The four game set in the Bronx next week will definitely be important, but whichever team comes up short will be my bet for the Wild Card. The Yanks and Sox have the second and third best records in the league, and I just don't see the Rays staging another miracle run this year, although they are playing solidly. One thing that I will say though-the Sox really bolstered their lineup by getting Victor Martinez. He'll split everyday time between first and third, letting Youkilis move across the diamond and giving the oft-injured Mike Lowell and generally sucky Jason Varitek days off when they are complaining of old men injuries. He's also a top tier power hitter, which kind of makes up for the fact that Big Papi is off the juice (kind of obvious). By the way, as Loop has already proved for me, I'm predicting way less fan outrage/fallout after this then happened when it was revealed that ARod was on roids. It's kind of funny but everyone was willing to look past the fact that Papi,

a player simply dumped by the Twins, became this huge power monster when he went to Boston. It's like everybody was so infatuated with his Shrek-esque smile and clutch hitting that they didn't realize that he wasn't actually supposed to be that good. But regardless, it makes me happy. The Sox two titles are tarnished and Papi is on pace to hit like 22 homers in his shriveled state. The Yankees lineup and stellar rotation, anchored by newfound hero Sergio Mitre, will suffice to grind out an AL East win. But seriously, expect the Yankees to make a waiver move and pick up another pitcher in the next few weeks. They'll continue to hit and win the East.

AL Central - Chicago White Sox - Getting Peavy is a really nice move for them. Obviously Detroit counters with getting Washburn, but Chicago is only a game and a half back in the Central and are in the midst of absolutely brutalizing the Yankees in a four game set. I've never been a huge fan of Jarrod Washburn, but Jake (the Jeweler, as I like to call him) is going to put their rotation over the top. Peavy, Buehrle, Danks, Gavin Floyd, and Contreras are a hell of a solid rotation, especially when you consider having to face those first three in a short series. On top of that, their lineup is shaping up well. Quentin is beginning to return to form, and Thome, Konerko, and Dye are all 30 homer guys. In addition they have young studs in the infield, including rookies Chris Getz and Gordan Beckham, both of whom are outside chances to win ROY. Although everybody hates AJ Pierzynski, in the end I see a Chi-Town surge to supplant the Tigers and distance themselves from the Twinkies, who I just don't think have the talent to hold on this year.

AL West - Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - Texas is making an impressive run right now, but LAA will end up, like they always do, closing out this division in a cold, heartless fashion. As a Yankees fan, I know how demeaning and harsh a loss to the Angels can be, as they continually barrage you with a series of semi-well-known Hispanic players and some new reliever they've just called up and no one can hit. Here's something to note about the Angels though: they have a four game lead right now without Torii Hunter and Vlad in the lineup. When they both come back in early August, their lineup is going to be absolutely terrifying. Hunter, Vlad, Abreu, and Figgins are enough to make you shit your pants, but factor then factor in Juan Rivera and Kendry Morales. I told you, it's like the Angels just pull these guys out of thin air. Juan Rivera used to play for the Yankees, he was some token fifth outfielder that you could tell was solid but nothing special. Then he goes to LAA, reunites with his Hispanic brethren, and is on pace to hit .300 belt 30 and drive in 100. It's not right. But they will win the West, and if they play the Yankees in the first round I may or may not start to sob uncontrollably.

AL Wild Card - Boston Red Sox - yeah so we've basically discussed this already, but the Sox will surely secure the WC spot if they don't finish ahead of the Yanks and vice-versa. One more thing I want to say about Yanks/Sox deadline moves though. By getting Jerry Hairston, Jr., the Yankees only confirmed how desperate they are to make deals. It really is the one thing I can't take about them. They love having pieces they can move and play around with just to say "oh, well we could have this lineup if we wanted to." The trade deadline for them is basically akin to somebody shopping at a store like Brookstone or the Sharper Image, filled with things that nobody needs but I guess might be "cool" to have. When a normal team walks by that $45 picture frame that also is an Altoids dispenser, they think "yeah, that's sort of cool, but there's no way I'd ever need it", but the Yankees think "yeah sure just throw it in the bag we'll find a place for it." It's honestly retarded. Right now Johnny Damon, Brett Gardener, Nick Swisher, Melky Cabrera, Shelly Duncan, Hairston, and Eric Hinske are all outfielders on the roster vying for playing time. Yesterday, Girardi

DHed Teixiera so Cody Ransom could play first and Hairston could start in the outfield. I wanted to kill somebody. On a separate note, I truly believe that Cody Ransom is the single worst player in the entire major leagues. Seriously, the absolute worst. But still, Joe finds a way to play him a couple times a week. No idea why, but they find a way to work them into the lineup. Sorry for the Yankees rant in the Red Sox column, but yeah.

NL East - Philadelphia Phillies - the Phils are like Hansel. So hot right now. Not only are they crushing the rest of the East by six games over the Marlins, but everything they touch seemingly turns to gold. Nobody thought Raul Ibanez was supposed to be good...but boom. He's got 26 homers thus far. Everybody thought Cliff Lee was a fluke, but then he goes and hurls a 4 hit, complete game gem in his first game as a Phil. They're doing something right over there, and I don't think anyone in the East has enough firepower to catch up to these guys. Something that is really scary is that Ibanez, Howard, Utley, and Jason Werth all have at least 22 home runs. If I do a little math...yeah, they might all end up with 35 bombs each. It's kind of sickening to have that much power on one team, four legitimate 35 homer guys. But yeah, Philadelphia has it, along with Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee. If just one of their other starters (Blanton, Father Time, Brett Myers) can pitch decently they have a hell of a three man rotation for the playoffs. What I love the most about the Phils right now is their move to pick up Pedro. How awesome would it be if Pedro came back strong, won a couple of big games down the stretch for them (not like it would matter) and was a factor in the playoffs as Phila crushed the rest of the NL en route to another WS? It would leave me smiling and Omar Minaya speechless. On top of everything, Philly managed to acquire Lee without giving up prized youngster J.A. Happ. Also, Cole Hamels wife is hot.

NL Central - St. Louis Cardinals - in the name of Pujols, we pray.... Seriously, aside from thefact that I'm suggesting everybody join the Albert Pujols Club as shown in that link, the Cards are going to be a force to reckon with down the stretch and a legitimate title contender. The Cubbies have been playing well of late and have narrowed the gap in the Central, but the I remembered that they are cursed and will inevitably find a way to choke the season away as the typically due. Besides, as Confucius said, "Any team that has Milton Bradley on it will be doomed to a worthless existence". With the addition of Matt Holliday, Pujols finally has some legitimate protection in the lineup, which means that Ryan Ludwig and youngster Colby Rasmus can finally safely hide in Albert's large shadow as pitchers are forced to content with the beast that is Pujols. The Cards also have a very surprisingly good staff. Chris Carpenter apparently thinks that it's 2005 again, Adam Wainwright has 12 wins, and Joel Pinero has a 2.84 ERA. On top of everything their closer Ryan Franklin has a beard and a half; a surefire sign of a good closer when things get tight down the stretch.

NL West - Los Angeles Dodgers - for a team with very little power comparative to other titans of the league, it's pretty impressive that LA has such a cushy 7 game lead in the West. I've thought about the Dodgers a lot, and wondered why even though they are playing so well, are a pretty fresh franchise with a nice logo in a great city, how they are such a boring team? They have Manny, a famous manager, enough money and talent to be competitive, so why are they so lame? I've figured it out. It's because their three core players (Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, and James Loney) are the same person. Not actually, but in the mind of the common fan, they are exactly the same. Just bare with me here. They all are young players who have sketchily similar strange names. That is I feel like you could re-arrange all of their first and last names and create players who you would have no trouble believing actually played for the Dodgers. Example:

Fan 1: Hey the Dodgers are playing pretty well this year.

Fan 2: Yeah that's because that guy Andre Kemp, hitting about .300, decent power, drives in some runs.

Fan 1: Oh yeah, that guy. They also have that James Ethier guy right? He's got about 60 RBIs right?

Fan 3: Exactly. Don't forget about Matt Loney though, hitting about .280, about 14 homers...

I'm pretty confident that if you ask any casual observer of the Dodgers they would agree with you. Same guys, same numbers ranging from very solid to great, and same generic baseball sounding names. Makes for a team that's hard to remember, but also playing pretty well. They'll cruise to win the West. One more thing though I'd like to point out about the NL West this year: great pitching. This is a sketchy fact, but as of today the number one and three ranked players in Yahoo Fantasy baseball are Dan Haren and Tim Lincecum. That's to say they are as valuable if not more to their teams than Albert Pujols. Chad Billingsley, Brandon Webb, and Matt Cain (ERA leader) are all in the division too. And Jake Peavy just left. Good pitching in the NL West. Sorry one more thing. Surprise of the year in the MLB is Mark Reynolds (3B, Arizona). He is the fifth ranked player in fantasy. Check out those numbers.

NL Wild Card - San Francisco Giants - yes, I went there. No to the Rockies, no to the cursed Cubs, yes to the perennial cellar dwellers from the city of Man Love. The Giants pitching staff is good enough to send a team of little leaguers up there to scrape out a run for Lincecum, Cain, and Sanchez. Maybe Freddy Sanchez and Ryan Garko will help them accumulate what little offense they need to win down the stretch, but I believe they can do it. Their pitching is tremendous, but they also have some bright spots on O that should be enough to allow them to hang in. Pablo Sandoval is probably the ROY in the NL, and players like Bengie Molina, Garko, Edgar Renteria, John Bowker, and Aaron Roward are just solid enough to give them the 1.1 runs per game average they need to be a potential playoff team. I'll admit it's going out on a limb, but why not? Maybe the Giants will get Barry to comeback for a down-the-stretch surge....

Best Commercial

Kind of random, but I was thinking about all the good "NBA: Where Amazing Happens" Commercials from the playoffs, and deemed that this was the best one

Goodell: Why So Serious?

PINNO - On August 8th, 2006, Roger Goodell was chosen as successor to Paul Tagliabue as commissioner of the NFL. This title is no joke, as it is essentially the person who holds the most power in the Nation's most popular sport. Goodell is to the NFL what White Goodman is to Globo-Gym. Now, Tagliabue is one of the most beloved commissioners of all time, and is the closest thing to God we will see on planet Earth. He always seemed to make the right call, and always had a cool head. There was something special about him walking out at the NFL Draft to announce what team was officially "on the clock." There were obviously some criticisms of Tagliabue, but these mostly consisted of things like the revenue disparity between high and low revenue teams, or the fact that he does not have a large football background and lacks charisma. But most of these criticisms were benign and overall his rating as commissioner was excellent. However, after 17 years as commissioner he decided to hang it up, and in came younger, cockier, and former NFL intern, Roger Goodell.

Goodell started as an administrative intern when he was 21 for then-Commissioner Pete Rozelle. Many praised his rise through the administration to COO in 2001, especially considering his internship was gained through an extensive letter writing campaign on his part. After Tagliabue announced he was to retire, Goodell was ultimately the consensus vote as his replacement. However, it was soon clear to many that he was not going to take the same approach that Tagliabue did: a calm, judicial, and usually correct approach. Goodell took the tough guy approach. There had been some scandal off the field that year for sure. Adam Jones and Chris Henry had been the focus of poor off-field decisions, but the most harsh punishment we really saw from Tagliabue was a 4-game suspension. The players were not ready for Goodell's new 'NFL Personal Conduct Policy'. In his first serious player conduct moves, he suspended Chris Henry for 8 games of the 2007 season and suspended Adam "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season. Entire season! Are you kidding me? That was unheard of up to that point. Oh yeah, good idea Goodell, instead of letting a clearly troubled man be distracted from that life by the one thing he's good at, football, why don't you just suspend him for a year in hopes that he becomes a better man as opposed to going to a strip club with $40,000 worth of ones. (oh wait, he did do that(watch the link)).

A few months after these suspensions Goodell gets pissed off again and suspends Tank Johnson for 10 games of the 2007 season after he got in trouble with the law. 10 games? Thats like sitting down to watch a season of 24, but only watching hours 16 through 24 and still hoping you will get something out of it. Just recently in June, he suspended Dante Stallworth indefinitely. Way to go Goodell, you can't decide what to do so you just call it an indefinete suspension in hopes that everyone will eventually forget about Donte Stallworth and that he'll die on the street in 5 years with a Saints' helmet in his arms trying to convince other homeless people that he once upon a time was an NFL player. You're a dick, Goodell.

I didn't mind the way Goodell handled the Michael Vick situation for the past two years, but the call he made recently was outrageous. The Vick case is definitely a delicate one, as many Americans strongly believe he does not deserve to play in the NFL again. I am certainly not one of those people: Vick served a lot of time in jail for what he did, and now he needs to be back on the field doing what he was born to do. I thought Goodell understood that, until on July 27th, just a few days ago, he announced that Vick will be suspended the first six games of the upcoming season before he can play again. Why? Seriously, why? What is the point? He already hasn't played for two years and many fans will be critical of his return, so obviously it's going to be tough enough for him to get signed by a team. But yeah, just throw in a six game suspension just to chafe Vick a little. Six games? Why not 7, or 5, or 3 and 1/2. Be a little more arbitrary with the six games Goodell, oh wait, you can't be.

Alas, many have praised Goodell for his firm stance on player conduct, and perhaps it has scared players into being a little less reckless at clubs, bars, or whatever nightlife they attend to. However, I think Goodell's stance has been way too tough, and more of a Dictatorship than a Democracy. Ok Goodell, you were an intern in 1982, and you worked were way up so almost 30 years later you're the Commissioner of the NFL. Nice job, but just because you grinded to get where you are, doesn't mean you have to bring down Thor's Hammer to players in the NFL who need to be slapped in the face, not slapped with $500,000 fines and entire season suspensions. One more thing, is you're wife hot or not? Because I can't tell, and it's really starting to piss me off.

"The List"

LOOP - Yesterday it was released that Manny Ramirez and Big Papi Ortiz both tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. I woke up at about 11 am and promptly went on ESPN.com (usually how I begin my day), and learned of this unsettling news. At about 11:15 I went on facebook and saw about 11 status updates on the topic. "2004* 2007*" "Papi, how could you? My childhood is ruined." No, your childhood is ruined because your parents don't love you, not because these two names are on this list.

This thing is pissing everyone off. Everyone. What the hell is this list? Does someone somewhere have a piece of yellow legal pad paper with 100+ names written in crayon on it? It feels like the person who has this sheet of paper in their back pocket is just screwing with the baseball world in this form of chinese water torture name releasing. As a baseball fan, my worst fear is that we're going to get 2 names at a time every few months for the next 5 years.

However, This does in no way invalidate what my Bo Sox did in 2004 or 2007, they tested positive for performance enhancers in '03, so if you want to take away our ALCS runner up plaque, go ahead. This isn't revolutionary France, so in '04 and '07, when the rings were won, these two lovable Dominicans are still innocent until proven otherwise. This test wasn't even a test, really. It was an exercise Bud Selig set up to gauge the amount of users in baseball at the time. The deal was if 5% of players tested showed up positive, steroid testing in the MLB would be implemented.

I hate to disappoint those of you out there who think you found something to taint what the Sox have done in this decade (bitter, jaded Yankee fans), but this is unquestionably insufficient. Keep looking, haters, we'll see you all in October.

Tim Tebow: Legend or Victim to Hype?

The Sports Bros are inclined towards the common man. Sure we like the Lebron's, Tiger's, Federer's (we hate Federer), Jordan's, Jeter's and Hornacek’s of the world. However, more so than the love of larger than life athletes, yours truly has a specific inclination towards playing-field heroes who are flawed underdogs and common men. Tom Watson, Andy Roddick, David Duval, Gus Frerotte, Todd Jones, Bill Mueller, Fred Couples (note: uncommonly buttery swing). The point here is that Tim Tebow is perhaps the least flawed athlete of our lifetime. No rap sheet, no accidental gaffe’s with the media, no drunkathlete.com pictures. The kid is an admitted virgin who speaks at prisons in his spare time while he isn’t doing missionary service in the Philippines. It begs the question, especially in light of our most detestable sports figures: How one can possibly dislike Tim Tebow?

Tebow is a role model for many, but there are also a great deal of fans across the country who are sick and tired of this kid. I think the media deserves partial blame. Ok seriously guys, we get that you are senior writers for the Worldwide Leader in Sports (and I’m talking to you here Forde, how you got that title is a mystery and a travesty that will never be understood. Write another Stewart Cink puff piece. The British Open was about you, Forde. All sporting events are about you) but at a certain point how much praise is too much praise? We understand that he is a great person, but there is no need to rub it in our faces while constantly reminding us of how many other athletes are assholes and jerks. At a certain point the overflow of love and adoration and praise (see cockboy federer and Dick Vitale nonstop bowl cleaning of psycho T Hansbrough) turn otherwise fans against the “too good to be true” athlete.

In a borderline historic role as Barney Gorman, or the “Garbage Pickin Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon,” Tony Danza reminded us all that even a salt-of-the-earth garbage man from Philadelphia could dream big and eventually make it as a kicker on the Philadelphia Eagles (Note: he strengthened his leg muscles to a ridiculous point by kicking his garbage truck engine). Athletes like Tim Tebow who are so overwhelmingly charismatic, talented, devoted and pious can turn off fans. There are no noticeable flaws, no reflection of most people in a kid who never takes a break from spreading the word of Christ to the the Far East, preaching to inmates, leading his teammates, and becoming a better and better football player on the side. While the world may need more people like Tim Tebow, the public doesn’t necessarily have to hear about it in a way that says “you aren’t doing enough.”

Barney Gorman was just a garbage man with a limited earning capacity and a lack of almost any noticeable skills. While he may not have been an iconic figure or the next Pope, you find me a man who doesn’t connect with Gorman on some level, and I'll show you a liar. 

I’m not saying that I, or anyone else, is rooting for Tebow to make a mistake or to show up on the police blotter.  But for Tebow, as well as the media, I think that a little bit of perspective, a little less about the preaching the church service and more about Tim Tebow as a college student who must curse, tell jokes, talk dirty to females, fart, and grab an ass here or there (male or female) would do him some good.  Maybe we should love him more for being so perfect, but I am a sucker for an ass-grabber. The fact is, and I'm sure many of our readers have picked up on this, the Sports Bros are much more aroused by college athletes like Matty Leinart, Marcus Vick, JJ Redick, and Nick Lachey. We want heros who hold the occasional funnel for the 18-year-old ASU girl, we want role models who go to the occasional practice still drunk from the night before while wreaking of unprotected sex. Less time in the leper colony and more time spent being an actual 21 year old could behoove you, Tebow. Just something to consider. 

P.S. Tebow's girlfriend is stupidly hot. RELAX, Tebow.

Sports Bros’ All Movie Basketball Team

We plan on crafting basketball, baseball, and football squads, and they’re all going to be tough because LSB have a strangely vast knowledge of sports movies. That being said, we’re going to dig much deeper and get far sketchier with our selections, so buckle in.

Head Coach: Norman Dale (“Hoosiers”) – We get it, the cliché character from perhaps the most famous of all sports films, but this is a no brainer. This guy takes some little hick team with like 4 ½ players (the ½ being the little kid, Ollie, who shoots the underhand foul shots), an alcoholic in Dennis Hopper for an assistant, and wins an Indiana state title. He’s tough, he’s fiery, and he practically invented the art of holding that rolled up notebook that probably has nothing written in it.

Assistant Coach: Billy Hoyle ("White Men Can't Jump") – A hustling street ball player in the movie, but I don’t think anyone ever questioned the fact that Hoyle would make the leap in to coaching. He ads a D’Antoni-esque, speedy, up-and-down, offensive mindset that’s the perfect foil to Dale’s grind-it-out, hard nosed, defensive style. Ying and Yang, duality of man, you get the idea.

PG: Calvin Cambridge (“Like Mike”): This was a tricky one to decide, but the kid has all of MJ’s ability because he found his kicks, so you can’t really argue with it. He had cornrows when it was fresh to have cornrows, Dirk sketchily asks him for his autograph, and he has an awesome sidekick in the cute kid with the glasses from “Jerry Maguire.” Lead us Bow Wow.

SG: Jesus Shuttlesworth (“He Got Game”): Banging Rosario Dawson, being recruited by everyone but Krzyzewski (not white enough), and gives it to Denzel in one-on-one. Oh yeah, and he’s Ray Allen so he’s as pure as they come. Seriously, shoot with him in NBA 2k9 and see if you can prevent spontaneous ejaculation.

SF: Jimmy Chitwood (“Hoosiers”): I know, I know, we GET IT, he’s a true 2, but do you know how hard it is to find a natural small forward in movies? No movies revolve around anyone who plays the 3. Also, you just can’t not start Chitwood; he’s Arguably the greatest movie basketball player to ever live. Listen, this isn’t Big 10 basketball; this isn’t Wisconsin trying to beat you 38-34. This is going to be a grossly talented, offensively loaded team that Norman Dale teaches to play defense. Argue with me on Jimmy at SF. No seriously, argue with me.

PF: Ty Crane (“Coach Carter”): “Guys if you’re going to use someone from this movie at least make it Junior Battle, he is such a hard worker out there and it’s so cute that he can’t read.” Shut up and get out. He’s big enough to play this position and guard this position but as versatile as they come in movies. Basically, he’s the fictional Lebron, but bigger and a lefty. When a reporter tries to compare him to Lebron in the film he responds with, “There’s only one Ty Crane.” I know what you’re thinking now: “He’s a cancer, his ego’s too big.” Norman Dale dealing with an oversized ego is sort of like Jenna Jameson dealing with a 10-inch dick: simple and straightforward.

C: Neon Boudreaux (“Blue Chips”): He learned basketball like a week before he got recruited and practically tore down the rim every time he dunked. I’m pretty sure Neon was averaging like 10 dunks and 10 blocks every game, not to mention the fact he’s more intimidating than Ray Lewis at the club. He also worked hard and got the SAT score he needed, and turned down any illegal gifts from the “friends of the program.” Nothing not to like about Boudreaux as your paint presence.

Bench: John Tucker (“John Tucker Must Die”): The guy gets ridiculous amounts of ass.

Bench: Antoine Tyler (“6^th Man”): This Washington Husky was unreal until he died of an on-court heart attack. Now he’s a ghost who helps out his team, what squad wouldn’t want that?

Bench: Kenny Tyler (“6^th Man”): So Antoine has someone to talk to.

Bench: Saleh (“The Air up There”): This kid grew up on the dirt courts of Africa. He’s raw, he’s athletic, and he appreciates the opportunity to play in America on this sort of stage.

Bench: Nate Wilson (“Eddie”): A good-hearted veteran who is going to show some of the younger guys what it means to be a first class athlete and, more importantly, a first class human being.

Manager: Troy Bolton ("High School Musical"): So there's someone to haze.

Jamal Wallace: (“Finding Forester”): A good player and a great writer. He will tell the tale of this team. Through the lens that is his writing we will learn about the players who became men, and the team that became family.

 

 

Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors in Sports - #6 - Rafael Nadal

Rafael "Rafa" Nadal is a 23 year old Spanish God. He is tennis's World No. 2 and has previously been 1 in the world, but now only lies behind cockboy Roger Federer. He holds the record of being number 2 in the world the longest: (mostly to Roger) 160 weeks. It seemed as if Roger was undoubtedly the best in the world until Nadal came along, posing the biggest match to Federer, especially on Clay, granting him the nickname "The King of Clay". Nadal as won 6 Grand Slam Titles and also won the Gold Medal for singles at the 2008 Olympics.

Nadal's youth gives him a lot of appeal as a bachelor, as well as the fact that he has won approximately $25,000,000 during his career. Thats a lot of bank for a 23 year old. He also has great flow which adds to his tan spanish flare. He rocks great wear on and off the court as well, always looking stylish and making women everywhere fall to their knees in his presence. Rafa Nadal: Spanish, rich, great flow, incredibly talented, number 6 on the Most Eligible Bachelors List.

Top 5 Most Detestable Figures in Sports - #5 - Lane Kiffin

Perhaps the sleaziest human being on the planet. Hot wife. Father Monte is a super bowl champion and tremendously respected throughout the NFL. Lane is just a sleazy gutless kitten. This guy essentially takes a dive in the NFL with one of the league’s historic franchises, capped off with him actually sending Sebastian Janikowski out to attempt a 76 yard field goal. Seriously. Watch it. (Where does Kiffin get the balls to embarrass a stand up guy like Sea-Bass?) Kiffin reaches his goal of getting canned and takes the Tennessee job where he promptly guarantees victory over the gators and calls out Urban Meyer for cheating with a recruit (turns out what Meyer did was in no way illegal prompting a sleazy, awkward and somehow cocky apology from Kiffin). Note: do not speak to Urban Meyer unless spoken to. I don’t even think I could look the man in the eye without either becoming physically aroused or going into cardiac arrest (the former if he is in his Gator windbreaker or if his calf’s or glutes were in my line of vision). Tim Tebow actually said that he would follow Urban Meyer to the gates of hell. Dear lord.

If this paragraph of pain and reality doesn’t make Kiffin abandon his brand of sleaze, the beating that Meyer’s Gators are going to dish out to the Volunteers will suffice. Do not be surprised to see Tebow pull a Johnny Moxon and pop Lane Kiffin with an errant throw. Do not be surprised if Gator middle linebacker Brandon Spikes ritually sacrifices the entire Tennessee special teams unit at midfield. And absolutely do not be alarmed if Urban Meyer has a noticeable rock hard woody poking out of his slacks during the bloodbath. I am ready for anything.

Lane Kiffin, you have some balls degrading a borderline saint in Sebastian Janikowski and taking jabs at the emperor of college football Urban Meyer. You are #5 on sports most detestable human beings.

Honorable mentions:

-Stewart Cink: its not funny Cink take that goofy smile off your face, all you did was weaken a nation on Sunday. Seriously show me your green hat again though. Sweet Cink.

-Alberto Contador: I get it but at the same time I don’t. Who do you think you are?

-Jerome James: too hard to prove you actually play sports.

-Bernie Madoff: not involved in sports but I mean, come on Madoff.

-Fred Couples: if that’s not an obvious joke, there is something wrong with you.

Nike Baseball Commercial

Great potential commercial for Nike baseball set to the music from the NBA's "Where amazing happens" advertising campaign. Nike should listen to the guy who made this thing and fire it up. It gets me all tingly.

Where's the Magic?

BUREY - I have a certain belief about sports. Call it a blend of a distinct naivety, youthful innocence, and unbridled optimism, but I believe that there are, at times, greater forces at work in sport. Maybe I got this from learning to be a Yankees fan in the late 90's. The legends, the 1998 record, the "mystique" of the post 9/11 walk-off wins in the 2001 World Series. Everything seemingly came together at the right times when they should have and I was happy. It wasn't just the Yankees, though. And it wasn't just baseball. I believed that there were sports gods. There were certain things that just had to happen in sport.

US basketball is the dream team. We invented the game, we should win it every year. Yeah, we call the NBA finals the World Championship, and we should right? Cause were the best. There's no way we could ever not win gold at the Olympics. But that's what happened in 2004.

The Red Sox just didn't win the World Series. There was the curse. They don't win. How else could you explain this? Or this? Or this? But then they won, and they won again. And now it's nearly a decade after the Subway Series and I'm starting to wonder if the curse is reversed...

I learned how Tiger was supposed to win every major, and if it wasn't every one it'd be ever other. He was expected to make that putt. He was never, ever supposed to miss the cut.

Are the sports gods that I once thought existed gone? They clearly have left the Yankees. More money, more mercenaries, and less mystique has been the trend of the new millennium. They've left baseball too. Cheating, steroids. McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, A-Rod, Manny, Palmeiro, Clemens, Guillermo Mota...all once thought to be magical players now just outcasts with tarnished reputations. The skepticism surely started with baseball, and now it's spreading to the rest of what I once thought was pure.

I started thinking more about it after reading Loop's thoughts on Watson. It led me to pondering Rocco's heartbreaking loss to Tiger at Torrey Pines. It was almost too unfair. Every person with half a heart was pulling with all their will for an underdog, storybook win, and we just couldn't get it. Instead, Tiger triumphed (couldn't hate that much) and a doofy looking baldy comes out on top. It just wasn't how it was supposed to work.

Two more recent sports stories prompt me to ask: where's the magic?

One is the Tour de France. Lance just wins the Tour de France. Every year. Hasn't it been like 38 in a row or something like that? And then he stopped to give other people a chance? Right? It was the kind of thing that casual fans like me used to bank on so we could seem like we're authorities on cycling. Oh yeah, Lance'll win it again this year. For sure. He's got great...stamina. What a guy. You know he had cancer right? Incredible.

And now, Lance is seemingly throwing in the white flag. Essentially, he's conceding that Astana teammate Alberto Contador has the best chance at winning the race, and he will put all of his efforts to helping his team secure the title. This came as a surprise to me for two reasons. One, Lance isn't winning the Tour. Two, cycling is a team sport. And although Lance has been known to try and act like he's down and out to lull his opponents (or teammates, whatever) to sleep before making a surprise push in the final stages, it's kind of a shock to see such a heroic and proud figure make an admission of defeat. That's actually kind of a downside to Lance (sorry Loop). While he is such an inspiration of hope and determination, he really doesn't have the "can do" attitude in interviews that exude optimism and a never-say-die mantra. It really does feel like he's reluctantly citing his age and other factors for not being able to win, almost grudgingly admitting he'll race for the team's sake. Either way, just not the magical Armstrong stuff we're used to. I'm telling you, the magic is gone.

Secondly, and I'm not going to delve into how much this actually bothers me, but Brett's planned return to the League is really tarnishing what should be looked at as one of the greatest and purest football careers of all time. Alright Brett, I'm glad Brad likes the way you throw, but please don't come back. When he wanted to play for the Jets, I was willing to accept the "hey, he's not doing it for the money, he just loves the game" reasoning to make myself feel better about the fact that he's ruined his lifelong Packer image. Also, I loved yelling Brett the Jet and Jet Favre whenever Pinno was playing me in Madden. But now, he's really crossing the line. Coming back to the NFC North to play two games against the team that gave him his aura and his greatness? I just can't stomach it. It's exactly what I'm talking about, as if the sports gods don't care about legacies, mystique, or magic anymore. Brett Favre? a Viking? In the name of all that is good and pure, please make it stop.

Sports gods, you've ruined baseball, taken my Yankees, given life to the Sox, made basketball a second tier sport in the US, made Tiger mortal, broken the heart of every golf fan twice, made Lance look like a heartless whiner, and now your forcing thousands of Green Bay residents to burn their number 4 jerseys. Please, here my plea. Let us feel the magic of sport again.

Is there anyone up there? Anyone?

What Could Have Been

LOOP - At one point, I believe when Tom Watson was a shot up on the 71st hole of the Open Championship at Turnberry, Mike Tirico commented on the importance and the specialness of this situation. We live in an age in which we try and compare every situation to another situation, but there just isn’t anything you can compare this to. Golf is unique, and this Open was unique in it. Watson was one par away, one 8 footer away from doing something unthinkable. For so long in the 70’s and 80’s, when Tom Watson was still Tom Watson, he made his living on those putts, because the great ones always do. He made a weak, scared, nervous stroke and was forced in to a 4-hole playoff with Baldy Cink.

59-year-old Tom Watson carried around the burden of the Open lead all week after his shocking 65 on day one. Cink makes one putt on 18 and putts himself in to the lead for the first time all week. And then the disaster that was the playoff came. It could have been fatigue, it could have been nerves, it could have just been that the magic ran out for Watson, but after about three swings in that sudden death you could tell that midnight had struck on this possible miracle on the links.

The fact is, sometimes sports just break your heart. It’s happened to me twice this year. Listen, Stuey, we get it, you’re a grinder and you haven’t won a major. You deprived us of a top 5 sports moment of all time perhaps, and certainly in golf. The Boondock Saints killed for less. I have trouble believing that Cink’s immediate family was rooting for him to win in that playoff. It was a great Open, but it obviously could have been so much more. In the press conference after Cink had raised the Claret Jug, Watson was just painfully, brutally, and gracefully honest. “It would have been a hell of a story,” he said. He talked about how it hurts like it always had. Once a competitor always a competitor.

There are two specific events that this made me look back on, even though, as I said before, you can’t compare this to anything in the history of this game or of sport in general: Roddick v. Federer at Wimbledon, and Mickelson at Winged Foot. Everyone wanted the American at Wimbledon, everyone wanted him to win that marathon, and everyone wanted Phil at Winged Foot (chafe you, Phil). Instead, the Swiss robot took home his 5th title at the All England Club, and Geoff Ogilvy fell in the US Open as he was probably driving home from Mamaroneck. Both have certain aspects in common, but this trumps them all. A bigger story, a bigger disappointment, and maybe the most painful could-have-been I’ve ever witnessed.

He was playing for every golfer on the wrong side of their prime, every athlete hanging on to a sport longer than they should, and any older person anywhere trying to feel young again. It was one hell of a run, one hell of a week at Turnberry. I hope it reminds people that special moments in sports can come from anywhere, and that special moments in golf can come from someone other than Tiger Woods. We love you, Tom.

Suck it, Cink.

Talkin' Bout Practice Remix

NBA Summer League Overview

There have been many impressive rookies so far in the NBA summer league that have been dazzling their coaches. Here are the top 5 rookies of the summer thus far:

1. Anthony Randolph (Warriors): Shut up, I know Randolph isn't a rookie, but he played only about 18 mpg last year (a stat which should double this year) and his summer league thus far is too good not to mention. Although the Don (Nelson (look at this belly)) didn't play him nearly enough (which led to Randolph occasionally crying on the bench), Randolph will most likely be the starting PF for the squad next season. He is averaging 26.8 ppg and 8.5 rpg in the summer league, and also had a very legit 42 point effort last week. He only averaged 8 ppg and 6 rpg last year, but considering he was only allowed to play 18 minutes a game, and that he is more experienced, I expect that his success in the summer league is not a fluke.
2. Blake Griffin (Clippers): Ok Blake, chill out, we know you're fresh. Clearly, he wasn't sure we knew, posting an aggressive 22 ppg and 11 rpg in summer league. It's always a concern that summer league numbers are inflated, but considering that the Clippers don't have many intimidating guys on their roster, it seems as though Blake will be getting a lot of touches. With Eric Gordon also being a promising young star, the Clippers look like they might have a nice future. But the re-singing of Coach Dunleavy may be bad for Blake/anyone on the Clippers. We'll see.
3. Stephen Curry (Warriors): Am I biased towards Curry and is putting him at number 3 a little high? Yes. Do I love Curry and would I take a bullet for him? Yes. Seriously, my hands shake just when I type his name. If he presented, I would s-.....you catch my drift. Anyway, Curry is putting up a fresh 20, 5, and 5. Not to mention close to 3 steals per game. I mean, he had 27 second half points against Sacramento, as well as the game winning shot (or layup) . Although Curry, Donnie Walsh, and I were all quite saddened when he did not drop to the Knicks, it seems as though Curry has already gotten quite used to the idea of playing for Golden State. With the promising potential of his teammate who is mentioned earlier in this post, it seems as though Curry may have a very nice rookie season stat-wise.
4. Jonny Flynn (T-Wolves): Flynn was probably pissed to go to Minnesota after the GM Kahn drafted standout point-guard Ricky Rubio, but Flynn has not let whatever feelings he might have effect him on the court. Jonny is posting a very nice 12 ppg, but a summer league 2nd 10.5 assists per game. Aside from Rubio, Flynn was the most skilled point guard in the draft, and may be an all-star in a year or two, despite his height. His quickness, passing, and handling are all way above average and I'm sure his teammates Jefferson and Love will be appreciative.
5. Tyreke Evans (Kings): Tyreke has had some very nice stats thus far (20, 7, and 4) which is a good sign for the Kings that he will be confident running the point. However, his lack of sharing the ball is definitely a bad sign. In his first game, he had only 2 assists (with more turnovers), and though he had much ease at attacking the basket, some inside the organization must be worried about his lack of selflessness, though they say he is just growing. Tyreke has very nice numbers, especially his surprisingly high amount of rebounds, but he will only be a triple-double threat if he learns to pass the ball.

Fred Couples on Round 1 of the Open Championship

The first round at the 2009 Open Championship, so we thought we'd call in senior analyst and PGA Tour Pro Fred Couples for some insight. Fred is not competing in this year's Open and will be able to add a lot to our coverage from the outside looking in.

Q: Fred, thanks for joining us, its truly an honor. To be honest I didn’t know you weren’t playing this tournament until midway through the afternoon tee times. I was borderline enraged when I “searched” couples to no avail.
A: Yeah I mean in the interest of full disclosure I have to admit I prepared for this tournament pretty hard and showed up on Tuesday only to be told by Turnberry officials that I didn’t “qualify.” I guess not mis-hitting a golf ball for nearly 800 days doesn’t get you what it used to. I didn't realize hitting consistently perfect irons and being the nicest man since Mr. Rogers doesn't get you any exemptions. My mistake I guess.

Q: Fred you are a mans man through and through.
A: (Nods)

Q: I mean you are a first class guy. No one does it better Fred and I mean no one. Seriously.
A: (Grins and tips his visor)

Q: I gotta ask, what does it feel like to know you are one of the great ball strikers in the history of the human body but to only have one major championship to show for it?
A: In short, not good. I’ll tell you this though I left it all out there every single time. While I may not be known as a champion, not a human being on this earth dislikes me. I am good looking. Golf Digest has given me the Steve Elkington memorial “greatest thighs award” two years in a row. I have a shit load of money. I get to wear a visor to work…you get my drift I think.

Q: Not a lot of visors at this years Open Championship.

A: I heard some rumors that it was a demonstration of respect for someone absent from the field who's probably the best ball striker to ever play, but those are just rumors.

Q: Nothing but class, Fred, first f'ing class.
A: Uh huh.

Q: Lets talk about this wacky leaderboard at Turnberry. Go
A: We got a guy who wears a thong on the golf course in Jimenez at 64 and a 59 year old has-been at 65. Tom Watson couldn’t beat me in mini-golf. Jimenez is a soul-less she-devil, but hey the guy grinds and contends. I played nine with him once, he doesn’t speak a lick of English. Not a lick. After the round he asked me if I wanted to shave his back. I did it. That’s how I am, that's what I do. I would take a bullet for a complete stranger.

Q: What do you think about Ben Curtis's chances? I mean, the guy has proven he can do it in Open Championship golf.

A: Who?

Q: Talk to us a little bit about John Daly
A: No.

A: Your golf game is really flawed around the green, isn't it?
Q: No doubt about it. At the end of the day I liken myself to a greek god. My fatal flaw is my flat stick and my incredible propensity to choke it down in huge moments. These flaws are that of the common man. Fred Couples is the common man. Put two and two together.

Q: If you could make putts, and were not a perennial choke artist what would be different today?
A: A lot. The problem is being able to strike the ball the way I can from the fairway, practicing putting is just boring. Seriously the sensation I feel every time I pure a golf shot with a wedgey or long iron rivals the kind of buzz most people get on their first hit of meth. I wouldn’t trade my style of play for anything. But to answer your question a little more directly, if I could putt as well as well as I hit the white ball tee to green, I'd win every tournament by five strokes or more.

Q: (Laughs)

A: What's funny?

A: Some have called you the perfect man.
Q: More than some.

Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors in Sports - #7 - Joe Mauer

Sliding in at #7 on our list is All-Star catcher, All-American boy, and all around stud, Joe Mauer. Mauer, 26, who as far as the Sports Bros can gather is single, or single enough, is the catcher for the Minnesota Twins. In 2001 the Twins selected Mauer out of high school with the #1 overall pick in the draft. Since then, Mauer has 2 batting titles, 3 All-Star appearances, and a gold glove to his name. In high school, Mauer might have actually been more of a pussy magnet then he is now. He was named "National High School Quarterback Of The Year" in 2000 by The National Quarterback Club (lead his football team to a state championship in '99), and was an All-State basketball player, as well. He's currently in the midst of a 4-year, 33 million dollar contract with the Twins. If this were a "best sideburns in sports" list, he would undoubtably be at the top. Joe Mauer: Modest, wholesome, dreamy, athletic, single. Sports Bros' #7 most eligible bachelor in sports.

Very Superstitious

One of our readers, SportsBro Alex Kaskel, has recently pointed out a great top 10 of the most bizarre athlete superstitions. We've all heard of athletes doing weird stuff to get them ready for games (Wade Boggs ate a bucket of fried chicken, Clemens used to get a trainer to rub Icy Hot on his balls to get him "pumped up" to pitch...) but this list provides a diverse array of strange rituals. I'm not sure you can count peeing as your hands (Moises Alou) as superstitious (I think it actually hardens your hands so you don't need batting gloves), but it did result on one of my favorite Sports Illustrated "They Said It"'s of all time...

When asked about Moises Alou peeing on his hands while playing for the cubs, Dusty Baker said, "I have noticed a lot of guys avoid giving him high fives, they usually just give him the fist."

Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors in Sports - #8 - Dwight Howard

Dwight Howard is #8 on the Most Eligible Bachelors List. Dwight is a gargantuan man, standing tall at nearly 7 feet (6'11). However, is incredible hulk size is deemed acceptable by most ladies, considering its vital to his success in the N.B.A., and the fact that it means his junk is inversely proportional to Mr. Mackey's. Dwight went straight to the N.B.A. out of college, which is a good thing from a girls standpoint because he's probably at their lower level than most guys intellectually.

Howard is only 23 and has an $80 million contract, as well as the nickname "Superman." He has been to the NBA Finals and was the starting center of the U.S.A. team that won the Gold Medal in the Olympics. Factor this in with the fact that he has a great smile, a great sense of humor, and is a devoted Christian (which is a big turn-on for most girls). Ladies are going to have to wear some large high heels to not look like a midget next to him; however, I think he has enough things going for him that ladies will deal with his massiveness. Dwight Howard: successful, strong, young, good-looking, funny, #8 on Sports Most Eligible Bachelors.