Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelor's in Sports - #5 - Matt Leinart

If this list was made four years ago, former Southern Call stud, Matt Leinart, would undoubtedly be #1. However, the tide has slightly shifted for Matt because he is not the starting NFL QB stud that he envisioned himself to be. His former backup at USC, Matt Cassel (who didn't even play a down at USC), recently got a multi-million dollar contract and is a starter for an NFL franchise. Unfortunately for Matt, Kurt Warner will not die due to his intensely egregious faith in God, so Matt has been riding the bench for quite some time. However, this is not to say that Leinart still doesn't retain some freshness.

matt-leinart.jpg

Matt slayed 83% of the USC population his senior year (true), while his only academic concern was Ballet-Dance class. Out of college, he was hoping to be in a big city to continue his sexual prowess, but instead was shoved into Phoenix. Matt has been reaping the benefits, however, as the University of Arizona girls make constant trips over to his 445 Hundley Drive located an astonishing 50 minutes from the stadium. Matt will get his chance to be a starter one day, and after he gets his multi-mill, he might be an unstoppable force in whatever county he lands in.

Because there are so many great ones, a few separate links to Leinart slaying:

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Top 5 Most Detestable Figures in Sports - #4 - Ricky Rubio


“Bro have you seen his filthy youtube tapes with that sick entire "Free Bird" song in the background?” “Bro he is definitely the next Pistol Pete, his hair totally flows. Check out his other grainy footage, this one is to a Van Halen Asher Roth mashup!”

I will begin by noting the following: Do I believe that Rubio is talented? I do. Do I think he has potential to be a star in the USA? I think its possible. Did I hype this kid like a drooling school girl during the Olympics? I won’t deny it.

In the last calendar year my feelings for Rubio have changed dramatically. I now despise the young Spaniard. He disrespected the entire NBA during the pre-draft process; he continues to disrespect NBA fans, David Kahn (even though Kahn himself is a world class cock-boy), and his future teammates on the Minnesota Timberwolves. We are supposed to believe he is the greatest passer and most unselfish player since John Stockton (see: Hornacek, Jeff) yet everything he has done to this point points to the fact that he is a selfish, coddledm prick (granted with really nice hair).

Look up his statistics in Europe. I’m not impressed. Abused by Brandon Jennings in a Euroleague matchup? He was. Dominate the Olympics? He was the fifth best player on the Spanish team and did nothing against the USA. Juan Carlos Navarro was twice the player Rubio was in the Gold Medal game. How did Rubio do in the pre-draft combine? How did he measure? What was his vertical? How did he perform in 5 on 5 drills? Oh that’s right. He did none of these things. He was scheduled for a grueling workout against some cones and a few other inanimate objects in Sacramento but caught a questionable, sleazy, sketchy, dubious fever the night before. When asked about Minnesota he said he didn’t want to play there because “my mother hates the cold weather.” Grow a sack Ricky. Tell your mom to buy some bronzer. Buy her a north face and get out of my face, seriously, oh wait, nice behind the back dribble. Shut up Rubio. By the way we speak English in this country. I’m tired of clicking links to see you give interviews in your regional jibberish. Get the Rosetta Stone. Phelps learned Mandarin for crying out loud.

The buyout. I get it, I get it, he has a 6 million dollar buyout clause in his contract and he was only getting paid 6 figures by DKV Jovenut. So I guess when he signed this contract he had a gun to his head? I guess some sweaty body man at DKV Jovenut forced the 15 year old kid to sign a contract that made no sense? Maybe his mom and dad couldn’t get out of the house that day to help him look over the contract because it was 54 degrees and they were concerned about frost bite. I’m not one of those bros at Princeton who plays lax and is a ripped double major in finance and econ, but I probably wouldn’t sign a contract with a company offering me 30k a year that said I could never leave the company, and that if I did I would have to pay 6 million dollars. Do I feel bad for Ricky? No.

Good news though, he has announced that he may come to the USA... or not. Thanks Ricky. I have a better idea though. Buy a studio with all the cash you have made over-seas and just jam out to “stairway to heaven” while you make sweet passes to guys who look like the grungy, Spanish version of Bruce Jenner for akward layups. (Jenner was and remains a national hero and sex icon). Jay Bilas and Chad Ford will cancel their subscriptions to Brazzers and pay 12.99$ a month for it. Get out Rubio, get the hell out. You disgrace the names of fellow Europeans: Vlade Divac, Manu Ginobilli and Arvydas Sabonis. You are #4 on the most despicable athlete list.

Honorable mention: Stewart Cink, I still hate you big Stew. Smile right through me. No, no kiss your claret jug again cink. Seriously we love that photo. Pat Forde (oh wait, Pat Forde is going to be #1 on this list), Steve Kerr (how many guys named Steve Kerr does it take to ruin a terrific organization? One). Steve Stricker (I hate the fact that your on the leaderboard all the time, get off my leaderboard stricker and stay off).

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Weekend Round-Up: Baseball Trade Deadline Update

We're about 100 games into this years' MLB season, which is usually a pretty good time of year to take stock of where everybody is at, whose gonna win each division, and some of the biggest surprises and disappointments of this year. With the trade deadline just passing, we're gonna go over what's going to happen in the season's final third of games.

AL East - New York Yankees - I'll admit, biased pick. To be honest, I have no way of determining what's going to happen in this race because everyone and their mom knows that it will come down to a few games at the end of the year, decided by one bad series by either team. The four game set in the Bronx next week will definitely be important, but whichever team comes up short will be my bet for the Wild Card. The Yanks and Sox have the second and third best records in the league, and I just don't see the Rays staging another miracle run this year, although they are playing solidly. One thing that I will say though-the Sox really bolstered their lineup by getting Victor Martinez. He'll split everyday time between first and third, letting Youkilis move across the diamond and giving the oft-injured Mike Lowell and generally sucky Jason Varitek days off when they are complaining of old men injuries. He's also a top tier power hitter, which kind of makes up for the fact that Big Papi is off the juice (kind of obvious). By the way, as Loop has already proved for me, I'm predicting way less fan outrage/fallout after this then happened when it was revealed that ARod was on roids. It's kind of funny but everyone was willing to look past the fact that Papi,
a player simply dumped by the Twins, became this huge power monster when he went to Boston. It's like everybody was so infatuated with his Shrek-esque smile and clutch hitting that they didn't realize that he wasn't actually supposed to be that good. But regardless, it makes me happy. The Sox two titles are tarnished and Papi is on pace to hit like 22 homers in his shriveled state. The Yankees lineup and stellar rotation, anchored by newfound hero Sergio Mitre, will suffice to grind out an AL East win. But seriously, expect the Yankees to make a waiver move and pick up another pitcher in the next few weeks. They'll continue to hit and win the East.

AL Central - Chicago White Sox - Getting Peavy is a really nice move for them. Obviously Detroit counters with getting Washburn, but Chicago is only a game and a half back in the Central and are in the midst of absolutely brutalizing the Yankees in a four game set. I've never been a huge fan of Jarrod Washburn, but Jake (the Jeweler, as I like to call him) is going to put their rotation over the top. Peavy, Buehrle, Danks, Gavin Floyd, and Contreras are a hell of a solid rotation, especially when you consider having to face those first three in a short series. On top of that, their lineup is shaping up well. Quentin is beginning to return to form, and Thome, Konerko, and Dye are all 30 homer guys. In addition they have young studs in the infield, including rookies Chris Getz and Gordan Beckham, both of whom are outside chances to win ROY. Although everybody hates AJ Pierzynski, in the end I see a Chi-Town surge to supplant the Tigers and distance themselves from the Twinkies, who I just don't think have the talent to hold on this year.

AL West - Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - Texas is making an impressive run right now, but LAA will end up, like they always do, closing out this division in a cold, heartless fashion. As a Yankees fan, I know how demeaning and harsh a loss to the Angels can be, as they continually barrage you with a series of semi-well-known Hispanic players and some new reliever they've just called up and no one can hit. Here's something to note about the Angels though: they have a four game lead right now without Torii Hunter and Vlad in the lineup. When they both come back in early August, their lineup is going to be absolutely terrifying. Hunter, Vlad, Abreu, and Figgins are enough to make you shit your pants, but factor then factor in Juan Rivera and Kendry Morales. I told you, it's like the Angels just pull these guys out of thin air. Juan Rivera used to play for the Yankees, he was some token fifth outfielder that you could tell was solid but nothing special. Then he goes to LAA, reunites with his Hispanic brethren, and is on pace to hit .300 belt 30 and drive in 100. It's not right. But they will win the West, and if they play the Yankees in the first round I may or may not start to sob uncontrollably.

AL Wild Card - Boston Red Sox - yeah so we've basically discussed this already, but the Sox will surely secure the WC spot if they don't finish ahead of the Yanks and vice-versa. One more thing I want to say about Yanks/Sox deadline moves though. By getting Jerry Hairston, Jr., the Yankees only confirmed how desperate they are to make deals. It really is the one thing I can't take about them. They love having pieces they can move and play around with just to say "oh, well we could have this lineup if we wanted to." The trade deadline for them is basically akin to somebody shopping at a store like Brookstone or the Sharper Image, filled with things that nobody needs but I guess might be "cool" to have. When a normal team walks by that $45 picture frame that also is an Altoids dispenser, they think "yeah, that's sort of cool, but there's no way I'd ever need it", but the Yankees think "yeah sure just throw it in the bag we'll find a place for it." It's honestly retarded. Right now Johnny Damon, Brett Gardener, Nick Swisher, Melky Cabrera, Shelly Duncan, Hairston, and Eric Hinske are all outfielders on the roster vying for playing time. Yesterday, Girardi
DHed Teixiera so Cody Ransom could play first and Hairston could start in the outfield. I wanted to kill somebody. On a separate note, I truly believe that Cody Ransom is the single worst player in the entire major leagues. Seriously, the absolute worst. But still, Joe finds a way to play him a couple times a week. No idea why, but they find a way to work them into the lineup. Sorry for the Yankees rant in the Red Sox column, but yeah.

NL East - Philadelphia Phillies - the Phils are like Hansel. So hot right now. Not only are they crushing the rest of the East by six games over the Marlins, but everything they touch seemingly turns to gold. Nobody thought Raul Ibanez was supposed to be good...but boom. He's got 26 homers thus far. Everybody thought Cliff Lee was a fluke, but then he goes and hurls a 4 hit, complete game gem in his first game as a Phil. They're doing something right over there, and I don't think anyone in the East has enough firepower to catch up to these guys. Something that is really scary is that Ibanez, Howard, Utley, and Jason Werth all have at least 22 home runs. If I do a little math...yeah, they might all end up with 35 bombs each. It's kind of sickening to have that much power on one team, four legitimate 35 homer guys. But yeah, Philadelphia has it, along with Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee. If just one of their other starters (Blanton, Father Time, Brett Myers) can pitch decently they have a hell of a three man rotation for the playoffs. What I love the most about the Phils right now is their move to pick up Pedro. How awesome would it be if Pedro came back strong, won a couple of big games down the stretch for them (not like it would matter) and was a factor in the playoffs as Phila crushed the rest of the NL en route to another WS? It would leave me smiling and Omar Minaya speechless. On top of everything, Philly managed to acquire Lee without giving up prized youngster J.A. Happ. Also, Cole Hamels wife is hot.

NL Central - St. Louis Cardinals - in the name of Pujols, we pray.... Seriously, aside from thefact that I'm suggesting everybody join the Albert Pujols Club as shown in that link, the Cards are going to be a force to reckon with down the stretch and a legitimate title contender. The Cubbies have been playing well of late and have narrowed the gap in the Central, but the I remembered that they are cursed and will inevitably find a way to choke the season away as the typically due. Besides, as Confucius said, "Any team that has Milton Bradley on it will be doomed to a worthless existence". With the addition of Matt Holliday, Pujols finally has some legitimate protection in the lineup, which means that Ryan Ludwig and youngster Colby Rasmus can finally safely hide in Albert's large shadow as pitchers are forced to content with the beast that is Pujols. The Cards also have a very surprisingly good staff. Chris Carpenter apparently thinks that it's 2005 again, Adam Wainwright has 12 wins, and Joel Pinero has a 2.84 ERA. On top of everything their closer Ryan Franklin has a beard and a half; a surefire sign of a good closer when things get tight down the stretch.

NL West - Los Angeles Dodgers - for a team with very little power comparative to other titans of the league, it's pretty impressive that LA has such a cushy 7 game lead in the West. I've thought about the Dodgers a lot, and wondered why even though they are playing so well, are a pretty fresh franchise with a nice logo in a great city, how they are such a boring team? They have Manny, a famous manager, enough money and talent to be competitive, so why are they so lame? I've figured it out. It's because their three core players (Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, and James Loney) are the same person. Not actually, but in the mind of the common fan, they are exactly the same. Just bare with me here. They all are young players who have sketchily similar strange names. That is I feel like you could re-arrange all of their first and last names and create players who you would have no trouble believing actually played for the Dodgers. Example:
Fan 1: Hey the Dodgers are playing pretty well this year.
Fan 2: Yeah that's because that guy Andre Kemp, hitting about .300, decent power, drives in some runs.
Fan 1: Oh yeah, that guy. They also have that James Ethier guy right? He's got about 60 RBIs right?
Fan 3: Exactly. Don't forget about Matt Loney though, hitting about .280, about 14 homers...
I'm pretty confident that if you ask any casual observer of the Dodgers they would agree with you. Same guys, same numbers ranging from very solid to great, and same generic baseball sounding names. Makes for a team that's hard to remember, but also playing pretty well. They'll cruise to win the West. One more thing though I'd like to point out about the NL West this year: great pitching. This is a sketchy fact, but as of today the number one and three ranked players in Yahoo Fantasy baseball are Dan Haren and Tim Lincecum. That's to say they are as valuable if not more to their teams than Albert Pujols. Chad Billingsley, Brandon Webb, and Matt Cain (ERA leader) are all in the division too. And Jake Peavy just left. Good pitching in the NL West. Sorry one more thing. Surprise of the year in the MLB is Mark Reynolds (3B, Arizona). He is the fifth ranked player in fantasy. Check out those numbers.

NL Wild Card - San Francisco Giants - yes, I went there. No to the Rockies, no to the cursed Cubs, yes to the perennial cellar dwellers from the city of Man Love. The Giants pitching staff is good enough to send a team of little leaguers up there to scrape out a run for Lincecum, Cain, and Sanchez. Maybe Freddy Sanchez and Ryan Garko will help them accumulate what little offense they need to win down the stretch, but I believe they can do it. Their pitching is tremendous, but they also have some bright spots on O that should be enough to allow them to hang in. Pablo Sandoval is probably the ROY in the NL, and players like Bengie Molina, Garko, Edgar Renteria, John Bowker, and Aaron Roward are just solid enough to give them the 1.1 runs per game average they need to be a potential playoff team. I'll admit it's going out on a limb, but why not? Maybe the Giants will get Barry to comeback for a down-the-stretch surge....

Friday, July 31, 2009

Best Commercial

Kind of random, but I was thinking about all the good "NBA: Where Amazing Happens" Commercials from the playoffs, and deemed that this was the best one

Goodell: Why So Serious?

PINNO - On August 8th, 2006, Roger Goodell was chosen as successor to Paul Tagliabue as commissioner of the NFL. This title is no joke, as it is essentially the person who holds the most power in the Nation's most popular sport. Goodell is to the NFL what White Goodman is to Globo-Gym. Now, Tagliabue is one of the most beloved commissioners of all time, and is the closest thing to God we will see on planet Earth. He always seemed to make the right call, and always had a cool head. There was something special about him walking out at the NFL Draft to announce what team was officially "on the clock." There were obviously some criticisms of Tagliabue, but these mostly consisted of things like the revenue disparity between high and low revenue teams, or the fact that he does not have a large football background and lacks charisma. But most of these criticisms were benign and overall his rating as commissioner was excellent. However, after 17 years as commissioner he decided to hang it up, and in came younger, cockier, and former NFL intern, Roger Goodell.

Goodell started as an administrative intern when he was 21 for then-Commissioner Pete Rozelle. Many praised his rise through the administration to COO in 2001, especially considering his internship was gained through an extensive letter writing campaign on his part. After Tagliabue announced he was to retire, Goodell was ultimately the consensus vote as his replacement. However, it was soon clear to many that he was not going to take the same approach that Tagliabue did: a calm, judicial, and usually correct approach. Goodell took the tough guy approach. There had been some scandal off the field that year for sure. Adam Jones and Chris Henry had been the focus of poor off-field decisions, but the most harsh punishment we really saw from Tagliabue was a 4-game suspension. The players were not ready for Goodell's new 'NFL Personal Conduct Policy'. In his first serious player conduct moves, he suspended Chris Henry for 8 games of the 2007 season and suspended Adam "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season. Entire season! Are you kidding me? That was unheard of up to that point. Oh yeah, good idea Goodell, instead of letting a clearly troubled man be distracted from that life by the one thing he's good at, football, why don't you just suspend him for a year in hopes that he becomes a better man as opposed to going to a strip club with $40,000 worth of ones. (oh wait, he did do that(watch the link)).

A few months after these suspensions Goodell gets pissed off again and suspends Tank Johnson for 10 games of the 2007 season after he got in trouble with the law. 10 games? Thats like sitting down to watch a season of 24, but only watching hours 16 through 24 and still hoping you will get something out of it. Just recently in June, he suspended Dante Stallworth indefinitely. Way to go Goodell, you can't decide what to do so you just call it an indefinete suspension in hopes that everyone will eventually forget about Donte Stallworth and that he'll die on the street in 5 years with a Saints' helmet in his arms trying to convince other homeless people that he once upon a time was an NFL player. You're a dick, Goodell.

I didn't mind the way Goodell handled the Michael Vick situation for the past two years, but the call he made recently was outrageous. The Vick case is definitely a delicate one, as many Americans strongly believe he does not deserve to play in the NFL again. I am certainly not one of those people: Vick served a lot of time in jail for what he did, and now he needs to be back on the field doing what he was born to do. I thought Goodell understood that, until on July 27th, just a few days ago, he announced that Vick will be suspended the first six games of the upcoming season before he can play again. Why? Seriously, why? What is the point? He already hasn't played for two years and many fans will be critical of his return, so obviously it's going to be tough enough for him to get signed by a team. But yeah, just throw in a six game suspension just to chafe Vick a little. Six games? Why not 7, or 5, or 3 and 1/2. Be a little more arbitrary with the six games Goodell, oh wait, you can't be.

Alas, many have praised Goodell for his firm stance on player conduct, and perhaps it has scared players into being a little less reckless at clubs, bars, or whatever nightlife they attend to. However, I think Goodell's stance has been way too tough, and more of a Dictatorship than a Democracy. Ok Goodell, you were an intern in 1982, and you worked were way up so almost 30 years later you're the Commissioner of the NFL. Nice job, but just because you grinded to get where you are, doesn't mean you have to bring down Thor's Hammer to players in the NFL who need to be slapped in the face, not slapped with $500,000 fines and entire season suspensions. One more thing, is you're wife hot or not? Because I can't tell, and it's really starting to piss me off.

"The List"

LOOP - Yesterday it was released that Manny Ramirez and Big Papi Ortiz both tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. I woke up at about 11 am and promptly went on ESPN.com (usually how I begin my day), and learned of this unsettling news. At about 11:15 I went on facebook and saw about 11 status updates on the topic. "2004* 2007*" "Papi, how could you? My childhood is ruined." No, your childhood is ruined because your parents don't love you, not because these two names are on this list.

This thing is pissing everyone off. Everyone. What the hell is this list? Does someone somewhere have a piece of yellow legal pad paper with 100+ names written in crayon on it? It feels like the person who has this sheet of paper in their back pocket is just screwing with the baseball world in this form of chinese water torture name releasing. As a baseball fan, my worst fear is that we're going to get 2 names at a time every few months for the next 5 years.

However, This does in no way invalidate what my Bo Sox did in 2004 or 2007, they tested positive for performance enhancers in '03, so if you want to take away our ALCS runner up plaque, go ahead. This isn't revolutionary France, so in '04 and '07, when the rings were won, these two lovable Dominicans are still innocent until proven otherwise. This test wasn't even a test, really. It was an exercise Bud Selig set up to gauge the amount of users in baseball at the time. The deal was if 5% of players tested showed up positive, steroid testing in the MLB would be implemented.

I hate to disappoint those of you out there who think you found something to taint what the Sox have done in this decade (bitter, jaded Yankee fans), but this is unquestionably insufficient. Keep looking, haters, we'll see you all in October.