A Trip Through the Mind of David Duval

The 2009 Open Championship is right around the corner now, and the Sports Bros thought that in anticipation of such an event, we would take a look at some of this year's most likely contenders. Obviously we'll begin with David Duval.

Q: David, you are coming off a borderline historic US Open runner-up finish, what do you take away from that and how does it help you going into the British Open?

A: First and foremost it was a great pay day. I pretty much knew I wasn’t going to win but I was really rooting for Mickelson or Barnes to choke it down at the end so I could have sole possession of second place and ensure myself an extra 200k, which is enough for one more year of me ignoring my golf game and focussing on my gut. Didn’t work out so I was a little unhappy, but Phil and I closed a Hooters after the round on his dime which was awesome. Ricky Barnes is a spineless bitch. I’m gonna punch him in the face if I ever see him again.

It was nice to put that chunk of change in the bank. Nike no longer sponsors me in any formal way or financial way, so I have been living off of the scraps of my frequent 80+ rounds. I mostly dine at all you can eat buffets to stretch the dollar and my waist line, a motto my life has been revolved around for the last 7 to 8 years.

As far as the British Open goes I expect to win. Period. World #1's have never lost when its been played at Turnberry, so that makes me pretty confident. I hope the conditions include gale force wins and hard rain. I have a bigger body than most allowing me to keep warm in bitter cold, I also love to cram putts and hammer long irons at pins. If the weather is as brutal as I hope it is I expect to win by a wide margin. My gameplan is to shoot a first round 61 or 62 and then hit fairways and greens the rest of the way.

Q: You were the 882nd ranked player in the world prior to the US Open.
A: What's your point?

Q: Camillo Villegas was voted sexiest man on tour for the second year in a row, a lot of people think you should have at least been in the conversation, what do you say to those who voted against you?
A: I get this question a lot, but I don't have a ton to say about it. Camillo has the body of a belly dancer I used to date in Vegas. I feel like my body is more representative of the common man. My face is a little more symmetrical. I think I have more hair on my ass than he has on his body. His lips are better. He's a house cat and I'm a silverback ape. It's a tossup I guess.

Q: A lot has been made of your fall from glory. I mean you onced graced the cover of SI blowing out a flame off a golf club (shown above) in a photo op that certainly rivals almost anything ever done with a 8X10 shot. Go.

A: That was a great shoot (chuckles to himself and massages gut, followed by goatee). I personally don’t think there is much difference between what I can do on a course and what say, a Tiger Woods does. He has gotten some lucky breaks. I’ve missed a couple chances and shot a lot of above 80 scores that aren’t necessarily representative of how I have played. Do you realize that if it hadn’t been for a mistimed 3rd round 83 I probably win the British Open last year? I shot a f****** 59 once.

Q: Uh huh. Talk about how you have been preparing for Turnberry?
A: I don’t prepare physically in the traditional sense. I played a 2 day hooters tour event in Myrtle Beach about 2 weeks ago and won by 18 shots. I didn’t play in Tiger’s tournament. I had to make an appearance at this titty bar I like in Jacksonville. Signed some autographs, took some pictures and pulled down some serious coin. Why does Tiger Woods have his own tournament?

Q. I don't know. David, in 2001 Tiger Woods woke up in the morning and thought about how he was going to deal with David Duval. What's changed since then?

A. Now he's married, so he probably wakes up hoping I didn't give his wife the tongs the night before in his guest house.

Q: What Inspires you?

A: My mirror.

Lance Nike Ad, Pure Magic

If there are any uncertainties about our feelings towards Lance, refer to the article below.

Ask Los Sports Bros

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Burey, Pinno, and Loop

Weekend Round-Up: Heartbreak, Halos, and the Hamptons

BUREY - Apologies for the hiatus. This weekend I took a somewhat undeserved couple of days off to be glamorous in the Hamptons, while I missed a weekend in sports that only served to pain me as the Yanks continued to be dominated by the Halos, losing three straight as the Sox fattened their AL East lead up to 3 against Kansas City. The story of the weekend against the formerly known as California moved to Anaheim and named to represent the people of greater Los Angeles County Angels just brutalized Yankee pitching, roughing up Andy, Joba, and even fat CC. That's not to mention the damage they did to the bullpen, but what do you expect when we have to roll the dice and trot Brett Tomko out there to keep us in the game? Alas, lady luck is a fickle mistress...

So basically I took a few days off to distance myself from the hapless Yanks (who managed to fuck up not one, but two bases loaded, no-outs late-inning situations on Sunday) and what I thought was all that is pure, wholesome, and truly American: Little League baseball.

On Friday night a friend and I battled rush hour traffic to get to New Canaan and watch the Greenwich 12 year old All-Star team take on New Canaan in the finals of the District 1 Championship. With my little brother suiting up for the Greenwich side my allegiances clearly lay with the visitors, but I wasn't terribly caught up in the nerves and emotion of the gut-wrenching game. The stakes were high: a Greenwich loss meant the end of their All-Star season in their last year of Little League.

Anyway, fast forward to the top of the sixth inning. After several controversial calls (one being a out call at home where the New Canaan catcher dropped the ball on a tag and another being a ground rule double by New Canaan that went under the fence, called a home run by the field umpire and later reversed), Greenwich trailed 3-2 and was down to their last two outs. The Greenwich second basemen (after making a run-saving diving play in the bottom of the fifth) lofts a high fly ball that carries towards the fence. The New Canaan CF backs up to the track, reaches over, but can only watch as the game-tier drops on the other side of the orange tarp. The Greenwich bench explodes, parents are cheering wildly on the sidelines, and the entire New Canaan side is silenced. The emotionally charged Greenwich hero jumps in joy around the bases as his teammates await him at the plate. After the late inning heroics tension is still high, the fans are ready for more baseball and everything seems right with the world. And that's when the people at Sax Middle School witnessed one of the most pathetic things ever seen on a baseball diamond in the history of our coveted game.

After the play, the New Canaan head coach instructs his pitcher to throw to second and appeal if the runner touched the base. He throws over to the shortstop and in one of the most surreal moments I've ever witnessed the field umpire raises his hand to signal "out". What happened next can only be described as sheer madness.

Greenwich parents, fans, and players alike erupt in disbelief. The coaches sprint on to the field, the players press up against the fence and raise their hand in disbelief. Both Greenwich and New Canaan Little League baseball commissioners run on to the diamond as well to discuss the controversy. Meanwhile, the New Canaan first base coach pumps his fist in celebration as his kids celebrate their apparent great skill and excellence as a team. I don't believe anybody could think clearly at that point. The umpire who made the call (who looked something like a cross between this guy and Gonzo from the Muppets) tried to defend his call as the Greenwich hero is simply devastated on the bench. While the men on the field discuss the controversy parents scream to pull the Greenwich team off the field to protest the game (and what was truly a series of unthinkably bad calls in favor of New Canaan). One particularly perturbed parent (who I may or may not be related to) yells "LET THE KIDS PLAY!!!!" and storms off to the parking lot, lawn chair in hand, to let his emotions cool and avoid the possibility of getting arrested. Somewhere in the chaos the game continues (there is no way to overturn the call) and the deflated next batter for Greenwich strikes out. People are still yelling and protesting the call as the New Canaan teams somehow feels like they deserve to dog pile on the field. The umpires try to discreetly leave the scene. I somehow find myself in their faces telling them how pathetic they are, and Gonzo tells somebody to call the police. My friend (visiting from Phoenix, AZ) insists that he throw a haymaker and start a brawl, and is quickly told by a doofy looking Asian parent (who looks like a 6' 4" version of this guy) to "respect the umpires". Ok buddy...

I've truly never seen anything like it. It was disgusting, pathetic, and despicable. What was especially revolting was the way the New Canaan coach (and some players, too) reveled in the victory. A few respectable New Canaan parents came over to apologize, however, and the protests continued as the commissioners tried to figure out if there would be a way to appeal the game or do anything so it wouldn't have to end with such a bogus call.

The situation was eerily similar to this Rick Reilly article about a collegiate softball game. Not only was the coach for New Canaan the same kind of scumbag who would feel good about winning a game in that way, but the umpire made the situation even more revolting. After the New Canaan player who got his double turned into a homer then turned back into a double was sent back to the base, he gave a high five to him... The coincidences seemed to strong not to at least hint at some kind of fixing, but it couldn't be, I mean it's Little League right?

In that situation, it is entirely inexcusable to make a call like that. In such a high-stakes, high-pressure scenario with 12-year old kids, you have to be 300% sure the kid missed the bag to call that. Absolutely dead certain. Every person on the field saw the Greenwich player practically jump on the bag as he rounded the bases, and what's even more suspicious is that after the game, the New Canaan shortstop (who happens to be the son of the d-bag coach) admitted to the heartbroken Greenwich player that he saw him touch the bag. Well, at least it looks like that the apple might have fallen a safe distance from the tree in this case. I have no idea what could have prompted the guy to make this call. At this point there is no way the kid blatantly missed the bag, at the very worst it was unbelievably close, and there is no possibility that the asshole umpire could have made the call nearly 100 feet away (he was standing behind first base). Either way, that's just not what Little League baseball is supposed to be. Maybe it was a life time of underachievement as a human being that made him feel spiteful enough to break a whole team of 12 year olds' hearts. Maybe it was the fact that he's like 60 years old and still a Little League umpire. Maybe it's because he is the retarded child of a Muppet and the guy from Home Alone. It's probably because he was running late to his d-bags anonymous meeting, but we'll never know. The Greenwich kids can take comfort in the fact that by just simply making the 12 year old All Star team they have accomplished more than this umpire has in his entire life, and that they will have plenty more victorious moments in their lives as he probably returns to his shit-hole house every night, jerks off the New Canaan coach, watches some gay porn, and cries himself to sleep.

The only thing I wanted to do after the game is drown my sorrows in alcohol, I was that crushed. I felt bad for the kids, but I felt worse that they were too young to hit the bottle and forget about the game. While the moms brought out some pretty good looking cup cakes to "celebrate" the season, I just had to get out of there. My friend and I rushed home, picked up a 30 of High Life, and jetted off to Southhampton to forget about sports in general for a few days. But alas, 3 nights, a ton of sun, fresh beach, and a good amount of booze later, I'm still thinking about it.

Keep your heads up Greenwich kids.

Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors in Sports - #9 - Matthew Stafford

Matthew Stafford is our choice for #9 on the most eligible bachelors in sports list. He's young (21), good-looking, and just signed a huge contract worth up to $78 million. He attended the University of Georgia where he was a stud both on and off the field. In his hometown of Dallas, Texas, there is a coined phrase termed the "Stafford Effect." This was a term made-up after the amount of kids applying to Georgia from his high school nearly tripled in three years from 2006 to 2008. You know you're fresh if there is a two-word term started in your hometown and your last name is one of those words.

The only unfortunate thing, and the reason he's lower on the list, is that he now lives in Detroit. Detroit may be the worst city in America, and he's really going to have to search hard for good talent. On the other hand, he was the number 1 pick in the NFL draft and is worth $80 mill, so it may not be too tough for him to find girls. Matthew Stafford: young, great blonde flow, quarterback status, #9 on sports most eligible bachelors list.

Why I Love Sports

LOOP - It's just before 1 a.m. and I was prompted to late-night post because Jonathan Sanchez just wrapped up his masterpiece no-hitter against the Padres. This particular gem just had so many things that made it awesomely (almost eerily) special: A sketchy 8th inning error by Juan Uribe that could have actually prevented what might have been an infield single (I decided that in any close play in a possible perfecto/no-no an infielder should bomb the ball 20 rows in to the stands to be safe), an unbelievable play by Aaron Rowand with one out in the 9th in which he leapt up the center-field wall to make the grab, a strikeout to end the game (filthy called-third curve), and Sanchez's dad was even in the crowd, having never before seen his son pitch. And if things weren't already strange enough, the only reason Sanchez pitched tonight was because Randy Johnson went on the disabled list earlier this week with a shoulder injury. I mean, really? Freshest no-hitter ever? You really can't make this stuff up. Either Poppa Sanchez just put on the most elaborate fix in the history of sport...Or he's God. I'll let you decide. Regardless, the night is yours Jon, enjoy it.